me vs. therapy

'my uterus hates me.'

'you think every part of your body hates you.'

'that's not true. my stomach likes me.'

'is that right? i'd think if all i was fed day in and day out were granola bars and potato buns, i'd be miserable.'

'yeah, well it's not. but, the uterus is. remember how i had horrible, awful cramps for the last 19 years?'

'no. i don't care either.'

'well, i don't really have the cramps as badly...'

'but you're going to continue telling me anyway.'

'...but now, instead of like having it for 5 days, she saves up and drops the bomb all in one day.'

'that's fascinating.'

'it's not fascinating, it's miserable. how many mongo-sized tampons can one person go through a day?'

'angela...do you see ''dr." on my door.'

Look over at Satan. Satan rolls eyes, heaves heavily, gets up from lazy boy, stomps to door. opens door, looks at other side of door, thumbs up, closes door, stomps back to lazy boy, sits down.

Look over at therapist, say; 'yes.'

'angela...do you see "medical dr.' on my door.

Look over at Satan. Satan raises middle finger, feigns sleep.

Look back at therapist, say; 'but  why don't you care?'

'sadly, and i know this is hard for you to understand, but not everyone in this world wants to hear about your menstral cycle.'

'that is sad.'

'yes, i know. but, we'll get through it together. what else is new?'

'the girl in her early 20's who wanted me to go on a date with her cancelled on me.'

'the girl in her early 20's who i told you not to go on a date with because she'd end up cancelling on you?'

'yes.'

'how surprising.'

'and sad.'

'yes, i know, but we'll get through it together. what else is new?'

'umm, p-town was fun.'

'meet any donkeys that perked your interest?'

'no. they were either too young to trot or too old to bear a rider. but i had fun because i went with my friend and we drank a lot of martini's. i got bit on the foot by a spider in our hotel though. it turned pink, i thought i was going to die. want to see it, it's on my toe?'

'remember the "medical dr." thing we just went through?'

'yes. but do you want to see my toe?'

'no. i don't. tell me more about your time in p-town.'

'why, because you're gay?'

'no, because i'm interested in your time in p-town.'

'sure you are. well, i barfed in a poorly lit porta potty without getting any yak on my white linen shirt or in my hair.'

Bored stare.

'hey, you know...you can bored stare at me like that and try to trivialize the accomplishment. but, puking up chowder and martini's in a dark porta potty without messing up your outfit is pretty skilled.'

'i bet you smelled great afterwards.'

'i had gum on hand for just such an occassion.'

'did you kiss anyone?'

'no.'

'gum didn't work then did it?'

'i wasn't trying.'

'sure you weren't. so is that all you did in p-town, drink and vomit?'

'yeah. it's kind of the point.'

'you're 37.'

'don't judge me.'

'that's your projection. i'm not judging.'

'then why'd you ask that question?'

'to see what you'd project i'd judge.'

'that doesn't make any sense.'

'maybe not to someone who doesn't have "dr." on their door.'

'i don't think i like you anymore.'

'no, you like me even more.'

Look over at Satan. Satan gives thumbs up.

Look back at therapist. Scowl. say: 'when are you getting a new fish?'

'shortly. i just need to pick one out, i've been pretty busy.'

'how much time does it take to pick out a fish?'

'apparently a lot because i haven't gotten to it yet.'

'hmm, you'd think a dr. could organize her time better than that, since she's so smart and everything...'

'do you really want to play this game?'

Think hard. Make think hard face. say; 'yes.'

'of course you do. too bad you'll have to wait until our next session because our time is up. you'll have a whole week to think up game playing strategy.'

'you're condescending.'

'yes, i am. but, i think it's a nice counter to your sarcastic, antagonistic nature. so we're even.'

'i'm antagonistic?'

'goodbye, angela.'