me vs. therapy

'i know what my problem is now.'

'what do you think your problem is, angela?'

'i've been single for so long that i don't comprehend social norms.'

'that's interesting. why do you say that?'

'because i'm weird, therapist.'

Look over at Satan. Satan affirms.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i've been alone for nearly 3 years now. i'm always with me.'

'you talk about that like it's a negative.'

'well, no. but, yes too. i've just spent so much time talking to myself, shopping with myself, jogging with myself, sitting with myself, reading with myself, driving with myself, cooking with myself, showering with myself...that i'm like....weird around other people.'

'i don't think showering with just yourself is that unusual.'

'you see. you just proved my point. i say weird shit.'

'you have friends. you go out. that's good socialization.'

'my friends know i'm strange. they just shrug and accept it. new people...think i drink drano.'

'now that's just silly. if you actually drank drano you'd be dead.'

'true.'

'give me an example of a situation where this occured.'

'ok. i was on a first date with a girl. we're at a restaurant. i bring up my views on lesbians who get artificial insemination.'

'why?'

'who the fuck knows! because i'm a moron!! just out of the blue i start spewing that if i was with a girl who wanted a kid, i wouldn't spend all that damn money to have some dude i don't know fill up a baster, i'd just whisk my woman down to the local bar, buddy up to the nearest hot dude, take him back home with us and let nature take its course.'

Therapis blinks, clears throat, says; 'you said this on a first date to a woman you'd never met before?'

'yeah. see what i mean?'

'well. angela, maybe it's just nerves that get you all worked up. people say the strangest things when they are nervous.'

'i wasn't nervous. i'm strange.'

'i'm sure you'll find someone that will find that very attractive.'

'uh-huh. like marliyn manson.'

'i don't think you're weird. well, you are...but it's endearing. you'll find someone who will appreciate it and love you for it. also, keep in mind that spending time with yourself is a wonderful way to get to know what you need and what you want. you find out who you are and that's an extrodinary tool in life.'

'i'm a nerotic, judgemental, spoiled, egotistical, selfish baby.'

'anything else?'

'i'm really funny.'

'if you say so.'

'and i have really great taste in paint colors. and i'm clean. and neat....'

'ok, i'm going to stop you right there because your list could extend well past our alloted time together.'

'did you know that poop is brown because it contains large amounts of dead red blood cells.'

Blank stare.

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head back and forth.

Look back at therapist. Say; 'see? ugh.'

'it's interesting information, angela. thank you for sharing. but do me a favor and never, ever tell anyone you're on a date with, thinking of dating or remotely attracted to what you just said. ok?'

'yep. sorry.'

'don't apologize, just keep some of those wikipedia facts to yourself.'

'right.'

'so, our time is up and i want you to continue enjoying spending time with yourself. just remember, it's a good thing.'

'sure it is.'

Therapist winks.

Smile back.