me vs. therapy

‘what is it?’

‘it’s your christmas gift!’

‘i’m jewish.’

‘why do you have a christmas tree in the lobby then?’

‘for my christian clients.’

‘that’s false advertising.’

‘so are your boobs.’

Shrug.

Therapist says; ‘thank you. it was lovely of you to think of me.’

‘whatever.’

Therapist shakes box. Says; ‘what is it?’

‘if i wanted you to know what it was before christmas, i wouldn’t have wrapped it.’

Therapist smiles widely, holds up gift, says; ‘you wrapped this?’

‘who else would have?’

‘i don’t know, from the looks of it a 4-year old.’

Frown, say; ‘ok, everyone knows i’m not the best gift wrapper there is. it’s supposed to be the thought that counts.’

‘is your mother embarrassed by your wrapping?’

Sigh heavily, say; ‘yes…among other things. can we move on…’

‘how was the work holiday party?’

‘lame. i sat around at the visitors work station trying not to touch anything, made out my grocery list, then i went to the bathroom 3 times. after much too long of a time, we were herded to the cafeteria where i grabbed a seat at the boys table and we all discussed call of duty and cars engines.’

‘how’d the not-eating stint go?’

‘very well. i only had 5 bow ties and one little strip of chicken. it was later in the day that i compromised my plan.’

‘oh? so you three decided to go into nyc did you?’

‘er, yeah. we had a fantastic time, but 3 martini’s and 2 cosmos later and i was eating everything. if someone had set a wad of fried lint in front of me I would have eaten it.’

‘yum. i’m glad you all decided to go. i think it was a good chance for you to bond outside of the office and you’ve all been under quite a lot of stress so i’m sure that helped alleviate it.’

‘uh. yeah. we got lost in queens.’

‘really? well, forget what i said about the stress part then.’

‘actually, being lost in queens and stressed about when we’d get shot to holy hell helped us bond.’

‘i imagine so.’

‘i bought a moose hat too, for ski trips.’

‘is that what that ridiculous furry antler thing sticking out of your bag is?

‘the one that’s kinda shaped like the gift on your desk…yeah.’

Therapist rolls eyes. Satan giggles.

Say; 'what happened to your fish?'

Therapist glance over to empty fish bowl, sighs, says; 'bubbles had a untimely death.'

'wow, too bad....seemed like such a nice fish.'

'i feel like you're being sarcastic. but thank you. we'll be getting another one as soon as it gets a little warmer out.'

'why don't you get something cute and furry instead?'

'cute and furry requires care.'

'something you're lacking in?'

'usually.'

'but you're a shrink. caring is the name of the game.'

'no, sounding like i care is the name of the game. there's a difference.'

'but, you care about me right?'

'of course i do angela.'

'i feel like you're being sarcastic. but thank you.'

'you're welcome. have a merry christmas.'

'and you have a merry hannakuh.'

'it's happy.'

'whatever.'