me vs. therapy

'he was a nice man. kind of little, nerdy looking thing. but soft spoken.'

'why are we talking about your gynocologist in kalamazoo, michigan?'

'i don't know. you asked me if i'd thought of kalamazoo lately. that's what came to my mind.'

'why?'

'do you really want to know that?'

'probably not.'

'because i won't tell you if you really don't want to know.'

'no you won't. continue.'

'well, i was sitting in the bathroom at work today...'

'ok, stop.'

'...and while there i was humming and then it occured to me that i should get rid of my tampon because i'm pretty sure i was close to the 8 hour expiration time and i don't want toxic shock syndrome because it sounds pretty scary when you read about it on the back of the tampon box.'

'fascinating.'

'so, i did that and then i flashed to a scene in my gyno's office back in kalamazoo.'

'i have no idea why this is going where it's going...'

'quit interrupting, you wanted to know.'

'actually, i remember saying i didn't.'

'so...i was in my gyno's office.'

'uh-huh.'

'and he pulled out the duck bill thing.'

'known in educated circles as a speculum.'

'aren't you the big man on campus for knowing that...'

Therapist smiles.

Say; 'anyway. he pulled out the speculum and a tube of ky jelly and i crawled up the table away from him. and he gives me the "scoot down please". and i gave him the "no".'

'you've been through this before, i don't understand the problem?'

'the problem is that shit is nasty and i refuse to have it anywhere near my cave of mystery.'

'did you  just call your vagina a cave of mystery?'

'it's not funny.'

'yeah, it really is.'

'quit laughing.'

'does your mother read your blog?'

'yeah, go ahead, laugh it up. make fun of the gay girl.'

'the gay girl with the cave of mystery you mean?'

'so, i'll just go ahead and ignore you now and continue with my story.'

'no, no...i'm sorry. i'll stop. let me ask you this....why the aversion to ky jelly?'

'because, when you get ky jelly shoved up there it eventually gets warmed up...and then it starts coming out, like right about the time you're on that date with the hot girl that works at the cafe you've been going to for a year and then finally asked out...'

'i see.'

'it's disgusting. i told him i'll take it like a man and go without.'

'taking it like a man would involve a completely different cave of mystery...did he get it right?'

'you know, next time you ask me a question about how my thoughts got from there to here i'm not disclosing anything real to you because you just laugh at me.'

'well, i was with you angela...until the cave of mystery comment.'

'thanks. you've just crushed my heart.'

'i seriously doubt it. i think you might be a little sensitive lately given the most recent breakup with the goat.'

'maybe. hey, i have a new date looming on the horizon.'

'really? well, that's great news. tell me about her.'

'i can't.'

'ahh, she knows about your blog i take it.'

'yes. the request was made not to include her in it.'

'something you should respect.'

'of course...at least until i get sex.'

'you're not getting sex now.'

'shit, you're probably right.'

'i'm always right. and on that note, let me advise you as one who is always right not to refer to your special place as the cave of mystery.'

'fine.'

'at least not with new donkeys.'

'fine, i get it.'

'alright, i just wanted to make sure. have a great weekend.'

'quit laughing.'