me vs. therapy

‘so, what would you like to talk about?’

Shrug. Say; ‘you pick…surprise me.’

‘well, since we’re on the eve of thanksgiving why don’t we discuss some things that you’re thankful for?’

‘that’s a little bit on the gay side.’

‘considering that you are too, even more appropriate.’

‘fine, but i’m going to have to think about it for a minute since thankfulness is never at the forefront of my thoughts.’

‘i understand. take your time.’

Concentrate.

Frown.

Squint.

Sigh hard.

Look over at Satan. Satan holds up photo of hot, naked woman.

Shake head.

Satan throws on ground. Holds up photo of mac ‘n cheese.

Shake head.

Satan throws on ground. Holds up photo of turbocharger.

Shake head.

Satan throws up hands. Sighs.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘do i have to be sentimental and gross and talk about friends and family and blah, blah, blah?’

‘i would expect nothing less if you chose not to.’

‘good. well then, i’m thankful that i went to college and got a degree because despite the fact that none of my employers have ever asked to see transcripts that prove i actually got the degree, they have been happy to pay me well based solely on the fact that i presumably do have that piece of paper…well, and because i’m charming.’

Therapist snorts.

Say; ‘did you just snort at me?’

‘yes, i did. where is your degree, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘hmm. i think the last time i saw it was when i was rummaging through a rubbermaid container at my parents house and i found it under my old copy of maxim with lucy lawless in a black camisole on the cover.’

‘a place of prominence and importance.’

‘hey, not all of us are fancy shrinks who feel the need to tack up our awards and degrees on the wall behind us in every office we occupy.’

Therapist swings chair around, glances up at wall. Turns back around, says; ‘yes, i find that whenever i’m feeling small, lonely and unimportant i can just look up at all my masters degrees and phd’s and feel fully fulfilled by my accomplishments staring right back at me.’

‘i feel fully fulfilled when i think of all the hot girls i’ve fu….’

‘angela.’

‘yeah?’

‘what else are you thankful for?’

‘i’m thankful for my therapist, making me feel more comfortable with myself one uncomfortable session after another.’

Therapist stares.

Stare back.

Therapist says; ‘thank you for the almost praise.’

‘you’re welcome!’

‘i’d like you to know that i’m thankful that you’ve become more self aware and able to share more and more about who you really are with me.’

‘thanks! do you really think i’m making progress?’

‘do you think you’re making progress?’

‘no.’

Therapist rolls eyes, says; ‘why do you say that?’

‘because i’m single, i hate my job and i don’t like where i live. kind of like…exactly where i was when we first met.’

‘yes, maybe. but at least you’re better able to cope with it.’

‘you think so?’

‘certainly. when’s the last time you cried uncontrollably for no apparent reason?’

‘yesterday.’

‘umm. ok. well, when’s the last time you exhibited rage?’

‘monday on the highway.’

‘i’d venture a guess that you’re making this all up in an attempt to be funny.’

Smile.

Therapist smiles.

Say; ‘thanks for everything. i can’t wait ‘til i’m completely not broken anymore.’

‘as much as that day will hurt me when it arrives, seeing as how i will no longer collect gobs of cash from you, i can’t wait either.’

‘when i’m completely not broken anymore, i probably won’t be as funny.’

‘something i hope we can both live with.’

‘hey, you know what i just remembered?’

‘that you’ve been under the influence of a high powered narcotic administered by an alien race thousands of years ago and are just now awakening from its affects to fulfill your sleeper cell agenda to destroy our world?’

‘no…i just remembered that an exceptionally smart friend suggested that i may be in a distancer/pursuer pattern of dating.’

‘yes. you are.’

‘why didn’t you tell me that before?!’

‘sometimes, finding things out on our own is the best way to learn a lesson. Feeding you everything will only prove pointless.’

Frown, say; ‘maybe you’re right.’

‘all the degrees behind me staring at you say that i am.’

‘well, i’m going to practice not being the pursuer.’

‘a lofty goal that i’m sure you can achieve.’

‘you mean that?’

‘no.’

‘hey, you’re being funny again.’

‘it’s a character flaw. have a great thanksgiving angela. And remember, eat the turkey, don’t date them.’

Smile.