me vs. therapy

'well, i walked in the door and she immediately gave me that look.'

'were you scared?'

'a little. i mean, usually she's nicer to me when i show up, but for some reason she was stand-offish and just looked out of the corner of her eye.'

'then what happened?'

'i put the mail on the counter and asked if she was ready.'

'to which she responded....'

'she just kind of grunted, then ran into the bedroom and threw herself on the bed.'

Therapist shakes head, says; 'she certainly plays games.'

'i know, i couldn't tell if i was going to get my head ripped off or if she was gonna lick me to death.'

'i didn't think she was the licking kind.'

'yeah...not really. she's much more of a biter.'

'so, did you make out alright?'

'after i rubbed her belly and talked sweet to her and gave her a doggie treat, she was great. i actually got the harness around her fat sausage belly this time in under 10 minutes. the problem came when we got around to the side of the house and the neighbor dogs were out.'

'oh hell...'

'yeah. you know how much she hates other dogs.'

'yes, i remember the last time you looked after her. how's the shoulder?'

'not so bad this time, since i was braced for it. i've never met a dog with that much torque.'

'well, i'm glad you had company...for a while at least.

'too bad it was a dog.'

'dogs are soothing. well...most dogs. what else did you do?'

'i played cook-for-myself.'

'oh, that's fun. what did you end up making?'

'a mess.'

'likely.'

'i started out with rice. you know how much i like rice...i failed to check out the fridge situation first and ended up finding only eggs and shrimp.'

'your special cook-for-myself meal was rice, shrimp and eggs?'

'yeah. it wasn't really that good. at all.'

'what a surprise.'

'at least i tried.'

'at least you tried. that's what matters.'

'you know what else matters...making sure you have soy sauce.'

'you didn't have soy sauce?'

'i threw it out 2 days earlier in a clean out every reminder fit.'

'sometimes...and this is just a suggestion...when you have those feelings of fit coming on...it's best to reflect on food products and maybe think twice on them before they end up in the trash.'

'yeah, you're probably right...as usual.'

Look over at satan, satan shakes soy sauce, opens cap, chugs.'

Frown in disgust, look back at therapist, say: 'i think i'm gonna just stick to the granola bars and potato buns that i used to eat when i was the skinnier version of me.'

'that sounds really unhealthy.'

'it probably is. but i'll be skinny.'

'well, in that case by all means....'

'your sarcasm isn't really funny today.'

'neither is your blog.'

'eh...at least i'm trying. you're not supposed to kick me when i'm down.'

'consider it tough love.'

'tough love sucks.'

'all love sucks.'

'touche.'

'you forgot the accent over the e.'

'no, i didn't. i just threw out the how-to-type-accent-marks-on-your-blog in my fit.'

'touché.'

'damn it!'