me vs. therapy

'working for angry boss is somewhat akin to dating the alcoholic.’

‘how do you mean?’

‘well, angry boss is crazy but has this magic sorcerer-like ability to make me think that i’m crazy.’

‘explain.’

‘hmm, ok….the other afternoon, i get this email saying “angela, you never responded to my email from this morning, what is the status of such and such and why haven’t you responded!!!”.’

‘three exclamation points huh?’

‘i know. that’s oh shit territory right there.’

‘yes, it is. go on…’

‘well, i start getting heart palpitations because i’ve missed a morning email from angry boss and now i’ve let angry boss down and shit hurry up and read it and get back to angry boss and apologize profusely and should i buy angry boss a card and a stuffed teddy bear with a note that expresses how sorry i am that I failed…’

Therapist looks over at satan, rolls eyes. Looks back, says; ‘continue…’

‘so i frantically search through my inbox…nothing. then search through my junk box. nothing. my outbox. nothing. my shit-i-must-keep-to-cover-my-own-ass box. nothing. finally, i try the deleted folder…’

‘to which i’m sure you found nothing?’

‘right. so now i’m all in a tizzy because angry boss must have sent that email this morning because angry boss said angry boss sent that email this morning and why would angry boss say that if angry boss hadn’t and where the hell did my outlook stick it and why does my outlook hate me and oh my god now i’m going to get canned because i can’t even check email the right way and is that the mexican from last night coming up my esophagus?’.

Satan farts. Lights match.

Therapist says; ‘i think you get a little too worked up about some things that probably aren’t that life altering.’

‘you’ve known me for four years.’

‘yes.’

‘that is my normal.’

‘yes, but we’re working on making it your abnormal.’

‘well, that’s not working too well since i almost had a stroke over not responding to my angry bosses email that i never even actually got.’

‘yes, i’m interested in the outcome of that.’

‘angry boss never sent it to me. i got blamed for not answering an email i never got.’

‘tough life.’

‘yes. exactly like dating the alcoholic.’

‘or working for anna wintour.’

‘yeah, except wintour has loads more style.’

‘than the ex?’

‘no. than my angry boss. well, and the ex.’

‘how is the alcoholic ex?’

‘non-ex istant.’

‘incredible use of the letters ex.’

Flash smile, say; ‘there’s no interest in the alcoholic donkey now.’

Therapist says; ‘so the new donkey is working out then?’

‘she’s not a donkey, she’s a surf clam.’

Therapist stares.

Stare back.

Therapist says; ‘we’re moving away from farm animals now?’

‘yep. i figure now that i’m on the eastern seaboard which is situated so closely to the ocean that i should shed my farm roots and take on a seafaring kind of thing.’

‘it’s your party.’

‘so what should i do about my angry boss?’

‘as far as what, your obvious miscommunications and opposite business styles?’

‘yes.’

‘well, i would try and work on better understanding how angry boss conveys information and adjusting accordingly…..or winning the lottery.’

‘oh! i like the second choice!’

‘of course you do.’

‘but angry boss is crazy. how am i supposed to understand a crazy person?’

‘how did you manage dating one for six years?’

‘i ate a lot.’

‘how’d that work out for you?’

‘i got fat.’

‘that tends to happen when you eat a lot.’

‘and i drove angry.’

‘as opposed to now?’

‘now…i have a hybrid. crazy driving isn’t an option.’

‘you sold the loud red thing did you?’

‘yes, its time had come.’

‘how’s the new car?’

‘it’s ok, but i’m a little miffed that it tells me to put on my seat belt and when i should shift and it turns my lights on for me even if i don’t want them on and when i’m done driving it draws little flowers on the screen to tell me how fucking green i was.’

‘how green are you.’

‘i’m red, mostly.’

‘no surprise there.’

‘right?!’

‘our time is up. it’s been a pleasure.’

‘yeah, thanks for your advice, what little you did actually dispense.’

‘you’re welcome. keep smiling. the new you is quite a pleasure to have around.’

‘thank the surf clam.’