me vs. therapy

'so your screenname is porkchopzz and you're wondering aloud to me why no girls are emailing you?'

'yes.'

'hmm...'

'what? do you think it's because of the name?'

'perhaps not completely. what's the gist of your personality on this dating site?'

'i'm going for the funny asshole approach.'

'well, then that would explain it right there.'

'what...girls like funny.'

'yes, they do.'

'so....'

'so, they also like not-assholes.'

'yeah, i kinda wondered if that would put a damper on my chances.'

'yeah, i think it kinda has. maybe you should try being more of yourself and less of the stage angela.'

'maybe. but, that's not fun to write.'

'or, it's not fun to be completely yourself because when girls still don't email you can't hide behind the it's-because-i-acted-like-a-funny-asshole bit.'

'or, it's not fun to be completely myself because i like video games, washing cars, putting together legos and reading harry potter and girls...on average, don't.'

'well, then you aren't being yourself for the sake of finding someone and that in turn will lead you directly to failure.'

'now you're implying that being single is a failure.'

'that's not what i said.'

'yes, you did.'

'what i said was you won't find any kind of real relationship if you're not yourself from day 1.'

'what if i'm a shadow of my real self?'

'i'm not playing this game with you.'

'please?'

'no. you're deflecting and it's a waste of our time.'

'at least i'm being my real self.'

'you have a point.'

'does it make you like me more when i'm real?'

'i'm an observer. liking you is not a part of that role.'

'can we write it in the script?'

'angela.'

'ok. so, i'll adjust my profile to be more reflective of who i really am.'

'that sounds like a good start.'

'what if i just delete my profile all together?'

'that's your choice, but why would you choose to do that?'

'because the only visitors i seem to get are men.'

'is that right?'

'yes. well, and one cock-eyed girl from maine.'

'maine is a bit far.'

'yeah. that's what i thought too. they have good lobster though....'

'ok, well this has been delightful for me but our time is up.'

'dang it.'

'yes...dang.'

'i have a quick question.'

'go ahead.'

'if you're not yourself to new people for years, how do you learn to be yourself to new people again?'

'whatever you're going to say to be funny or witty or cleaver....don't.'

'really..it's that easy?'

'no. you'll suffer. but, i know you can do it.'

'awww, that's nice.'

'i like to be my real self now and again.'

'leading by example. awesome.'

'bye angela.'

'bye therapist.'