me vs. therapy

‘why are you smiling like that?’

‘like what?’

‘i don’t know…kind of like how i’ve seen you smile when you talk about all-you-can-eat buffets’.

‘i have a girlfriend.’

‘ah. what else happened in your dream?’

‘it wasn’t a dream. i mean, it isn’t a dream. i have a girlfriend.’

‘uh-huh. who is this girlfriend?’

‘remember my best friend?’

‘the one from michigan.’

‘yeah, that’s her.’

‘she wasn’t ready for a relationship.’

‘i guess i wore her down.’

‘siege tactics, good job. how is it going?’

‘i’m super happy. i haven’t had a relationship with a grown up before.’

‘including the relationship with yourself.’

‘what?’

‘nothing. so that’s exciting news. she seemed like a good match for you back when we spoke about her before.’

‘yeah, she is. she knows all my shit from back when we were just friends. i always told her the truth because why would you skew reality for your friend? so i can’t really hide anything from her now. it’s actually surprising that she likes me.’

‘maybe it took the real you to finally attract someone to the real you.’

‘deep.’

‘i like to earn my money every now and then. i’m very happy for you. now just make sure not to lose yourself. equal effort on both sides, ok?’

Look over at Satan, Satan holds up sign. Sign says, “SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!”

Frown, say; ‘what?’

Satan looks down, scowls, shuffles signs, finds right sign, sign says, “XXXOOO AMY’.

Smile.

Satan smiles back. Smolders.

Look over at therapist, say ‘i won’t lose myself and neither will she.’

‘good, keep up that attitude. what else is new, i see you have short hair.’

‘i whacked it off a month or so ago.’

‘time for a change?’

‘yeah, you know i was in the shower and my bum tickled. turns out it was my long hair. and as i was pulling out this strand of long, dead head hair from the crack of my bum for the 50,000 time, i decided that i was really over pulling out wads of long, dead hair from the crack of my bum and from the drain in my shower and from the drain in my sink and from the drain in my kitchen and from under my pillow and from off my floor and from everywhere else my hair finds itself which is in fact everywhere.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘so i cut it. and guess what?’

‘you got a girlfriend.’

‘there’s no more hair in my bum.’

‘well it looks sharp. do you like it?’

‘i’m still not used to it, but yes. it’s easy and i feel light.’

‘and think of all the time you’re saving in the shower.’

‘exactly. you always get me so easily.’

‘you’re not that hard to figure out, angela.’

‘i guess i never figured out how to make that mystery thing work for me.’

‘you have other gifts that work for you. mystery is overrated. besides, how many 40-year olds do you know that can recite at least twenty different poop jokes in a row?’

‘hey, you’re right!’

‘there you go. be proud of your gifts, whatever packaging they arrive in. until next time, angela.’

‘bye therapist.’