me vs. therapy

‘i’ve just stopped caring.’

‘no you haven’t.’

‘yes, i really have. you know when it’s in the middle of winter and you’re in the shower and you’re looking at your hairy beasty legs, then over at your razor, then back down at your hairy beasty legs and you think to yourself, gosh i should really shave these bitches even though it will take about six minutes and i only have three minutes until wheel of fortune comes on. but then you shrug and don’t waste your fucking time because it’s the dead of fucking winter and you’re still fucking single and no one will see them anyway, so you don’t fucking care?’

‘no.’

‘well, that’s what i mean. i just don’t care about women anymore.’

‘i think you’re exaggerating.’

‘i’ve spent so much time waiting, wondering, worrying, thinking, planning, crying, hoping, pleading, sighing, dreaming. i’m exhausted. i’m done.’

‘you’d hop right back in that saddle if the horse walked by.’

‘nope.’

‘yes.’

‘nope.’

‘as much as i’d like you to not place so much importance on getting a partner in your life, you can’t help yourself.’

‘yes i can.’

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head nope.

Scowl, look back at therapist, therapist says: ‘the recent string of women you’ve dated have told you they aren’t ready. what if you just accepted that and moved on?’

‘i’d be alone.’

‘you’re alone now. how’s that working for you?’

Look over at Satan. Satan holds up flower, flower dies immediately.

Frown. Look back at therapist, therapist says: ‘i’m not suggesting that you will be happy overnight with the decision to move on, but i am suggesting that you take ownership of your life and dictate the course of it.’

‘i’ve dictated my life.’

‘you’ve dictated it to a place where you’re standing at the fence on the dude ranch, watching lots of other happy horses trot by with happy riders on their backs.’

‘i don’t want those horses.’

‘yes, angela. it seems you want the horses that are still in the barn. hobbled and merrily eating their hay.’

Look over at Satan, Satan hops around office on stick pony. Spanks air.

Look back at therapist, sigh. Say; ‘i’ll try.’

‘do that, and don’t stop caring. just direct your caring towards yourself.’

‘maybe i should start by shaving my legs.'

‘maybe you should. you never know what the next day will bring.’

'thanks therapist.'

'giddy up, angela.'