me vs. therapy

‘how are you angela?’

‘i’m doing well. i love the holidays, so i’m like a pig in shit lately.’

‘interesting saying, midwestern?’

‘i guess, i kinda thought it was universal.’

‘perhaps. i’m a city gal so it’s new to me. anything exciting happening?’

‘i had a food poisoning adventure.’

‘i’m sorry to hear that. can i please direct you to a new subject or are you going to tell me the story anyway because from the way you just lit up i get the feeling you really want to retell the tale…’

Therapist looks over at Satan, Satan shrugs.

‘you see i was at work and i had just gotten back from lunch with my friend. i was sitting at my desk when there was a strange noise from my middle area.’

‘how very interesting, can we talk about your dating life?’

‘well, then i got that wave, you know the wave?’

Blank stare.

 ‘the wave prompted me to get up and begin my journey to find an empty bathroom.’

‘my impression of you leads me to believe that you don’t need the bathroom to be empty.’

‘one would guess, but no you’d be wrong. i like keeping my privates private. well expect for peeing, peeing is like universally accepted to do in the same room as others, if not right there in front of your friends. especially when you’re all drunk and sharing a stall at the club. they can also assist in steadying  in case of sway or swoon over the toilet in your stupor.’

‘painful. go on.’

‘well i started out on my path to greatness by going directly to the bathroom on my floor….at a steady easy pace, but with purpose.’

Therapist looks at Satan, Satan looks bored.

‘it was right after lunchtime so of course there was a gaggle of hens clucking away in there.’

‘you refer to woman as hens, how inappropriate.’

‘clucking away. so anyway, i exited quickly because my middle area made another funny noise that was somewhat more demanding than the first funny noise. i went to the elevator and hit ‘two’. down i went, hoping, struggling, sweating. making a heroic effort to stave off the inevitable. ding! we’re there, i rush as quickly to the bathroom on two as my insides permit and guess what?’

‘more hens clucking?’

‘yes! everywhere. there was even a line! by now, it’s do or die time...'

'or go home early in shame time.'

'i rush back out and take the stairs, calmly yet hurriedly, down to floor one, my last hope...where…’

‘you tried the rooster house?’

‘no. the potty gods shined down their love upon me as i threw open the door to the bathroom and before me lay five wonderfully empty stalls. it looked like an oasis.’

‘this is the worst story i have ever heard in my life.’

‘and there i sat for a good ten minutes, thanking the potty gods over and over again and cursing ruby tuesdays and their tainted salad bar products.’

‘you do know this is a counseling session for your mind right?’

‘it’s funny therapist. everyone can relate to potty.’

‘umm. so moving right along, what else is new?’

‘my cat has been sick, so we’ve run some tests. one final test is a screen on her urine, so i’ve been trying to collect that from her. have you ever tried to collect urine from a cat?’

‘i have not.’

‘i play this game where i watch her, but i don’t let her know i’m watching her...'

'like a stalker, how proud your parents must be.'

'...because if she knows i’m watching her she won’t go to the litter. which is strange because every time i pee she’s in the bathroom as quickly as possible to sit and watch me. anyway, once she slides into the litter box i grab my homemade cat urine collector and try to situate it under her cat urine making area. which is harder than one would think as a cat squatting to pee doesn’t  leave much clearance to wedge a modified plastic cup under. so basically i end up with cat urine on my hand, litter under my nails and nothing in the cup.’

‘you lead quite a fascinating life…’

‘like in a great gatzby kind of way!’

‘…like in a serial killer kind of way.’

‘i’m going to kansas city for my niece’s birthday this weekend.’

‘packing your germ kit?’

‘no. i’m just going to be mindful of all the filth and keep my hands to myself. It should be a really great time though! i get to see my whole family!.’

‘that sounds fantastic. i’m happy for you. and with that, this overly long and painful conversation is over.’

‘does your middle area feel funny?’

‘oh angela, quite a lot feels funny. have a great time and good luck with the cat urine.’

‘thanks therapist! i’ll keep you updated!’

‘don’t.