me vs. therapy

‘so you have a new office with a great view, that must make you happy.’

‘it’s a great view. and if any of us decide we can’t take it anymore, it’s on the ninth floor, so we can jump to happiness.’

‘how big are the windows?’

‘big enough to fit through easily. although now that i think about it, they don’t open.’

‘you might have to use a chair to bust through.’

‘yes, well with my luck, the chair will bounce back off of the window and hit me in the face with just enough force to break my nose, but not to break the window.’

‘you always run the risk of grave injury with attempted suicide. what else is new besides your super cool view?’

‘i have a date friday!’

‘that’s nice, with who?’

‘a straight girl.’

‘i don’t know what to say to that.’

‘well, she’s not totally straight. she’s semi-straight.’

‘you mean bisexual?’

‘i guess. i hate that term though. it’s so…labeled.’

‘i don’t understand you. but it’s not the first time. anyway, you sound excited.’

‘i am. i get to get out of town. getting out of town is always fun. and i get to drive. i love driving, especially when my car is clean.’

‘and you get a date. you like dates.’

‘not really.’

‘yes you do.’

‘not really. dates lead to failure 98% of the time for me.’

‘they aren’t failures, you learn something new from each one.’

‘really?’

‘yes. what do you think you learned from this last one?’

‘that i make bad dating choices.’

‘no. you continue despite all evidence of certain failure. you need to stop doing that. what else?’

‘that when the only way you communicate is through scrabble turns, that shit is over.’

‘um…’

‘ok, i learned to listen to my friends and family. again.for the 500th time.’

‘and your therapist.’

‘uh. sure.’

‘anyway, back to your date. how are you approaching this one? are you planning on implementing some of our strategies?’

‘not talking with my mouth full?’

‘well that’s always a good strategy, but some of the other ones.’

‘not speaking?’

‘well, i know that you often choose inappropriate conversations, but you’re going to have to talk at some point or else going to dinner with a dish towel would be more entertaining for her.’

‘i smell better than a dish towel.’

‘sure you do.’

‘i know! i won’t belch, or wear sneakers and i will look where i’m going because i always end up tripping. and i’ll make sure to be careful and not spill anything on myself, because i always do that too.’

‘i was actually looking more for the emotional behavioral strategies. like not reading into things, letting things happen naturally, and maybe trying to listen to what she’s saying instead of putting your spin on what she’s saying.’

‘that last one, what do you mean?’

‘for instance, she says ‘i don’t like you’ and what you hear is ‘angela i can’t live without you’.’

‘oh. do i do that?’

‘all the time.’

‘i’ll stop doing that.’

‘no you won’t.’

‘yes i will.’

‘no you won’t. but you are going to try.’

‘ok.’

‘don’t wear your super hero underoo’s either.’

‘but green lantern is good luck.’

‘when’s the last time a woman ripped off your green lanterns?’

Blank stare.

‘exactly. have a nice time.’