me vs. therapy

‘so you were driving?’

‘yes. and as the driver it was my responsibility to crack the whip.’

‘i don’t understand what crack the whip means?’

‘well, basically…if you’re pulling someone on a rope you cut a turn in your respective vehicle quickly swinging said person on the rope out on a sharp arc.’

‘and this makes them fall off i assume.’

‘more often than not. it's kind of the point.’

‘and this is fun?’

‘where did you grow up, the soviet union. yes, it’s fun.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘so anyway, commrade. there i am driving the snowmobile….’

Look over at Satan. Satan wears ski goggles and snowmobile helmet while reading usa today.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘and peter was tied up right behind me on the little, red plastic sled.’

‘is this going somewhere?’

‘it’s funny, quite interrupting. and my sister was tied up right after peter and she was on the ginormous, purple sled with the hand brakes on the sides. the thing must have weighed 45 pounds. i’m not even joking. we called it grimace, no one ever wanted to ride in it.’

‘well, of course not, it was big and purple, that's gay.’

‘no kidding, who wants a gay sled?’

‘kids don’t like gay sleds.’

‘yeah.’

‘go on….’

‘well, it’s snowing like a bitch and we’re out in the middle of the lake on the ice so the wind is whipping around too.’

‘because that’s where children should be.’

‘i know, right…especially on snowmobiles that go 85 miles an hour.’

‘uh-huh, so you all fell through?’

‘no. i was all excited because we’d just finished building a giant snow jump and i was about to crack the whip right over it.’

Therapist shakes head in disbelief.

Say; ‘i hit the gas, turn the handle bars and they both fly out towards the jump.’

‘someone is breaking something…..’

‘peter hits the jump first, flips out of the little, red plastic sled, falls off and lands on the ice.’

‘what a surprise.’

‘then my sister, who at this point is sailing through the air in grimace starts coming back to earth….right towards peter’.

‘where were your parents?’

‘shoveling the driveway i think….which is how we all escaped.’

‘didn’t they hear you leave with the snowmobile?’

‘we were very sneaky back then.’

‘not much has changed.’

‘so my sister’s eyes are all big, peter wets his snowsuit and by the time i figured this probably wasn’t a good idea my sister and grimace slammed to the ground….’

‘brakes and all?’

‘brakes and all…..onto peter.’

‘that’s great.’

‘yeah it looked painful, but he made a good 2nd jump for my sister.’

‘was he ok?’

‘after he stopped crying, he seemed fine.’

‘fantastic.’

‘all around, a pretty fun day.’

‘and this was indicative of your childhood?’

‘pretty much, yeah.’

‘well, aside from the 120 hp snowmobile, perilous ice, raging snowstorm and grimace sled, i’d say all-in-all a good time.’

‘yeah, it was awesome. sometimes, when i’m sitting in my cubicle i think about….’

‘donkeys.’

‘those too...no! the good times i had when i was young.’

‘that can cure a bad day in just a few minutes.’

‘you know what else can cure a bad day in a few minutes.’

‘if it’s something about me, my clothes, my smile, my breasts, my nakedness or dinner…..i don’t want to know.’

‘but…..’

‘no butts either.’

Frown.

Therapist smiles.