me vs. therapy

‘the thing is therapist, i used to enjoy work.’

‘no  you didn’t.’

‘well, ok i don’t mean enjoy. i mean, uh…i don’t know…tolerate?’

‘endure?’

‘brave.’

‘withstand?’

‘hm, you’re good at this.’

‘it’s a gift. so why has it become so much more unbearable?’

‘we’ve hired a shit ton of new people.’

‘ok, and?’

‘well they’re not just new people. they’re new…terribly annoying people.’

‘big difference. why do they annoy you.’

‘because they breathe air?’

‘more detail.’

‘they talk, they laugh, they’re loud, they drink all the water cooler water, they use all the spoons before i can get to one so i have to use a fork in my yogurt, they take my diet coke can spot in the mini fridge with their baby carrots, they fart up the air, they put things on my desk in the wrong pile, they staple my art to their form not paper clip it the way i like, they’re in my stall in the bathroom, they yawn and make those irritating yawning sounds that extend the yawn, they say things like “alrighty then” you know in that jim carrey voice from like 1998? and they say it every two hours after a break when they’re about to start working again. who SAYS that anymore?!’

‘sounds like a very frustrating place to work.’

‘it is! and this saturday when i went in to work some overtime was the last straw!’

‘yes?’

‘i was smiling in my car taking the corners in the parking garage fast enough to squeal the back tires because on saturdays no one is at work. and then i parked and was whistling loudly in the halls because on saturdays no one is at work. and then i did the hustle in the elevator because on saturdays no one is at work. then i badged in and hey…. why is an annoying person here on saturday? wait…now there’s two, no three annoying people! saturdays are MY days. working on saturdays is awesome because you’re alone in the office and no one from your work week is there to fuck it all up and remind you that they actually exist in real life. in weekend life.’

‘i’m sorry this happened to you. how frustrating. what are you going to do?’

‘i think you’re being condescending.’

‘no. i wouldn’t do that.’

‘i think you’re lying.’

‘i wouldn’t do that either.’

‘yes you would. you’d pee on my leg and call it rain. i can’t do anything about it.’

‘no you can’t. maybe you should consider thinking about letting the little things go. let them roll off your back and just carry on.’

‘i do that all week. why would i want to do that on my weekend?’

‘we all have to make accommodations for situations and people that we don’t necessarily like, angela.’

‘that’s not my strong suit.’

‘i know. but you are good at not giving up so try and don’t give upon trying. how’s that?’

‘sounds dumb. but whatever, sure.’

‘ok angela, here’s the thing. you are pretty intolerant. it would benefit you to do your best to tolerate more things. at the very least to keep your blood pressure down.’

‘what if i just pretend to tolerate things? i think i can do that.’

‘ok, well it’s a start. maybe if we go small we can work our way up to bigger.’

‘that’s what she said.’

‘don’t go there.’

‘that’s what she said.’

‘angela…stop.’

‘that’s what they all say.’

‘i have no doubt. ok, our time is up. work on your patience and tolerance and acceptance.’

‘knock knock.’

‘angela.’

‘knock knock.’

‘i’m not playing this game.’

‘knock knock.’

‘who’s there?’

‘touch my who.’

‘touch my who, who?’

‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!’

‘get out.’