me vs. therapy

Park car.

Look over at Satan.

Satan reaches to back seat, pulls out umbrella.

Nods.

Nod back.

Evacuate car, run to Satan, duck under umbrella.

Make way to front door.

Satan shakes umbrella, water sprays on shoes.

Glare at Satan.

Satan shrugs apologetically.

Shrug.

Make way to receptionist.

Say; 'how's life treating you, martha?'

'like a baby treats a diaper. what can i do for you?'

'oh, nothing, just here for my appointment.'

'what appointment would that be?'

Consider bizarre question, furrow brow say; 'my weekly crazy doctor appointment.'

Martha smacks gum with irritated expression, says; 'remember last week when, on your way out you said "see you next week dookie pants" and i said "no, you won't because doctor is on vacation".'?

'no, i never listen to what you say i just say things to you because it's polite.'

'right, well this can serve as a reminder to you as to what being a self absorbed lunatic can get you.'

'what, standing in the crazy doctor's waiting area bantering with the angry secretary?'

'administrative assistant. now....it looks to me like we have you on the books for next week this time, so i guess i'll see you then.'

'who's feeding the fish?'

'me.'

Lean low over counter, look sideways each way, whisper......'you should think about changing his food while SHE'S gone....he needs less fiber before his ass explodes.'

Satan farts in corner.

Look back over shoulder, Satan waves hand back and forth behind ass, grins.

Frown.

Look back at Martha.

Martha says; 'i'll keep that in mind. thanks.'

Wink with much exaggeration.

Walk towards door. Stop. Turn around, say; 'hey, would you mind answering a question for me?'

'i guess that depends on the question.'

Walk towards counter, Satan quits dispersing fart air, walks over too, leans close....

Say; 'well...i was just wondering...since she's on vacation....she must have like, gone with someone....like a husband, or boyfriend....or girlfriend?'

Martha continues typing, doesn't look up....says; 'if you're trying to get me to tell you that she's gay and single and wants you, keep dreaming.'

'how about she's just gay and single?'

'no chance.'

Motion towards Satan, Satan rolls eyes, grabs wallet from back pocket....hands over a dollar bill.

Snatch dollar bill, wave in front of Martha, say; 'how about now there sweet cheeks?'

Martha sighs heavily, looks up, says; 'i know that you must really want this information because that dollar represents 2 minutes of vacuumm action at the local gas station that an OCD such as yourself would love to have on your car after the recent bad weather gunked it up with dirt and sand and salt. however, in light of the recent economic climate, i can not afford to lose my job, which i would surely do if i gave you any personal information about the doctor.'

Wave dollar back and forth, say; 'are ya surrrrreeeeee, cause this could buy you some fantastic, juicy fries off the mcdonald's dollarmenuuuuuuuuu?'

Martha points to door without looking up.

Say; 'fine, you had your chance though.'

'see you next week angela.'

'not likely...since this dirty ass dollar that's getting germs all over my hands is going to buy me the winning powerball ticket and i''m moving to bora bora and will never need therapy again because the palm trees will fix me.'

Martha stares blankly back.

Snorts.

Frown at snort, shove dollar in pocket, march out....