me vs. therapy

‘she kept looking past me, to something behind me when i would answer her questions.’

‘how’d did that make you feel?’

‘it made me feel like she didn’t give a shit what i was saying.’

‘was there anything behind you?’

‘yeah, there was an unattractive guy with a mass of curly red hair wearing a green t-shirt that said “irish i was drunk”.’

‘hm, yes. i can see how she would be distracted.’

‘sure. so then she tells me out of nowhere that she hopes i’m not bisexual because she doesn’t date bisexuals.’

‘why doesn’t she date bisexuals?’

‘she said they are dirty and have no idea what they want.’

‘are you a bisexual?’

‘only when i’m dating a guy.’

‘are you dirty?’

‘only if i don’t bathe for a few days...or don't wipe as well as i want because someone flushes me out of the public restroom before i'm done.’

'you're shy?'

'i'm modest.'

‘do you have any idea what you want?’

‘ok, you got me there.’

Therapist smiles. Look over at Satan. Satan points down at greent-shirt that says “irish i was drunk”. ‘

Look back at therapist, say: ‘then, not 10 minutes later she dropped the bomb.’

‘flatulence?’

‘no, but i like how you think. she told me that she is married.’

‘um, was that in her dating profile?’

‘no. i mean why would you put that in your profile? i only mention in mine that i don’t want kids….nor married people.’

‘wow, so married to a man would make her bisexual.’

‘yeah. married to a man and has a 7-year old son. but she assured me that it was all ok because their divorce would be final in december. she also assured me that she’s really not a cheater at heart even though she cheated on him all 8 years they were married.’

‘let me guess, she was cheating on him with women.’

‘of course.’

‘and he knew about it.’

‘yes. she felt badly that it hurt his feelings but she just couldn’t stop herself.’

‘so what did you do?’

‘i drank my sex on the beach as fast as possible.’

‘because you don’t want to leave before you finish your sex on the beach.’

‘i know! those things are so tasty. i finished it in a big gulp, then got up and said i had to be to work early.’

‘so no kiss huh?’

‘no, i figured after her dirty bisexual speech that i’d better keep my filth to myself.’

‘wow. so that’s what it’s like out there huh?’

‘yeah. i really don’t like giving up. but i’ve been dating so long and had so many terrible experiences that i’d rather just stay at home and watch movies and fart whenever i want and belch as loud as i feel like.’

‘well, that does sound defeatist, but after hearing all your stories i can understand your desire to throw in the towel.’

‘so…no advice?’

‘oh angela. you know i’ve given you a lot of advice over the years.i think it comes down to just being yourself and trying to maintain a positive attitude in spite of setbacks.’

‘sounds very therapist of you.’

‘well you know, considering my role in life…’

‘i’ll give it a try.’

‘even so, i expect a movie report for our next session.’

‘you got it.’