me vs. therapy

'apparently, i only date good looking people.'

'do you think that's true?'

'of course i do. i wouldn't date someone if i didn't find them attractive. i mean, who would do that?'

'some people don't care about looks.'

'good, then that leaves the more attractive people for me.'

'does it bother you that people think you only date good looking people?'

'no. but it does make me wonder.'

'wonder what?'

'wonder if i'd date an unattractive person. i mean, i kind of did when i moved out here. remember the spanish girl?'

'the one that wore open toed heels with stockings with a seam and smelled like ear wax?'

'yeah her. she wasn't that good looking. she didn't even have a good personality. what a waste of time that was.'

Look over at Satan. Satan feigns vomiting.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i guess i've just always gone after someone i'm attracted to first, then gotten to know them second.'

'do you think there's anything wrong with that?'

'no.'

'well, ok then i guess there's no problem.'

'there isn't a problem with me, i just don't want to be known as shallow.'

'you just said you only date good looking people.'

'right.'

'that's shallow.'

'no it's not. i just date people that most other people find as attractive as i do.'

'the girl you're dating now, is she good looking?'

'that's not fair. i didn't know she was hot before i met her.'

'where'd you meet her...a mask convention?'

'haha. i met her online and she had all her photos smeared out so you couldn't tell what she looked like.'

'why'd she smear out all her photos?'

'some hippie bullshit about substance meaning more than looks.'

Look over at Satan. Satan rolls eyes.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i figured i might as well meet her.'

'i'm suprised she actually wanted to meet you.'

'what's that supposed to mean?'

'it means i've read your online dating profile and you come across as an asshole.'

'hippies like assholes. it gives them something to work on changing.'

'how's that going?'

'well, i ate beefless beef the other night. i liked it so much i went out and bought 4 packs of it.'

'i like beefless beef. i put it in fajitas.'

'so, you're like a hippie jew? that seems odd.'

'i guess hippies come in all shapes, sizes and religious backgrounds.'

'you shave?'

'i bet you'd like to know that but you're not going to.'

'gross. you don't shave.'

'angela?'

'it's ok, i don't shave sometimes either. usually when i don't want anyone to find me attractive but that's just me.'

'angela...it looks like our time is up.'

'oh ok. so i'll see you next week, furkenstein.'

'that wasn't even close to funny.'

'yes it was.'

'i can't believe you get dates.'

'i know! isn't it great?!'

'no. good luck.'

Smile.

‘well that’s really good to hear.’

‘yeah, i’m happy.’

‘and you’re getting along well?’

‘oh yeah. well, i mean we’re alike in a lot of ways but also different. so it’s calm but exciting.’

‘i’d like to ask how you’re different.’

‘ok.’

‘you’re waiting for me to form it into a question aren’t you?’

‘yes.’

Sigh. ‘you’re like a drain. so, how are you and she different?’

‘well, i’m an aries. we have big horns and like to run around and bash them into things.’

‘ok.’

‘she’s a crab. she kinda hangs out in her shell and watches stuff, then thinks about it a lot.’

‘so…’

‘so, i hope i don’t accidently step on her shell while i’m running around bashing things with my horns.’

‘that sounds like a healthy attitude.’

‘i’m pretty sure you’re being sarcastic.’

‘that’s not true nor in my nature.’

‘i think you’re bullshitting me.’

Therapist smiles, says; ‘i think you’re right. aside from your ridiculous zodiac comparison i’d have to say the things you’ve told me about her sound promising as far as a match with you goes.’

‘how so?’

‘well, for instance she’s thoughtful and patient and prudent. she seems to plan, be objective and sincere.’

‘yeah?’

‘all the things you are not. if she finds you fulfilling enough and sticks around her traits will nicely compliment yours.’

‘what are my traits?’

‘i think you already know.’

‘yeah, but i want to know what you think.’

‘if you insist. which you will until i tell you, so i’ll go ahead and tell you. you’re brash, forward, blunt, combative, contradictory and crass.’

‘what about quick witted, charming, warm, disarming and loyal?’

‘those too. but you’re so good at tooting your own horn doing it for you would be overkill.’

‘do i really toot my own horn?’

‘like you live in new york city.’

‘really?’

‘no.’

‘really?’

‘what can i say that will get you to not say really again?’

‘uh.’

‘right. moving right along, i hope this works out for you and in my opinion it sounds like it will as long as you don’t fall into your old pattern of being fearful and then screw everything up.’

‘thanks.’

‘anytime. what else would you like to talk about?’

‘i bought a new lego project!’

‘what else would you like to talk about?’

‘you don’t want to talk about my legos?’

‘no.’

‘fine. it just brings me happiness but whatever i guess that doesn’t matter.’

‘it doesn't. how was the hurricane for you?’

‘oh, cool. it was my very first. though, i think it was just a tropical storm when it hit.’

‘any damage?’

‘my bathroom window became a waterfall, but other than that, no. what about you?’

‘i lost my 15-year old cat, noodle, to a downed tree.’

‘your cats name is noodle?’

‘was noodle.’

‘i’m sorry. great name though.’

‘thank you. i know that sympathy is hard to come by in your world.’

‘it’s not natural, but i emulate what i see other people do.’

‘well done. so, our time is up. i’m happy to see you moving down this new path.’

‘me too.’

‘don’t bash those horns into too many things, you could get a headache.’

‘it’s ok, i feel spayed. it should be easy to stand around and munch stuff instead.’

Therapist rolls eyes.

Smile.

'what's going on with your face?'

Scratch, say; 'umm, what do you mean?'

'your face...it's all blotchy and red. too much sun?'

Scratch.

'well?'

'no.'

'well then were you in a house fire?'

'no. i had a procedure...ok?'

'what kind of procedure?'

'a friend, she works with lasers in a salon. she did it for free.'

'looks like it.'

Scratch.

'so why did you do that and please tell me it wasn't just because it was free.'

'i grew up on a lake. i had all this sun damage.'

'yes, now that you're pushing 40 i'm sure time is catching up with you.'

Scratch.

'should you be scratching it?'

'oh, i don't know but usually when something on my body itches i scratch it.'

'do you have a lot of things that itch on your body, because if so you might want to get that looked at.'

'you're hilarious.' Scratch.

Look over at Satan, Satan scratches.

Look back at therapist, say; 'look, i've wanted to try it, she offered it for free so i did it.'

'ok. well, if you are happy then that's what matters.'

'i am.'

'when do you think the skin will stop falling off?'

Scratch. say; 'she assured me within a week. until then i have to stay out of the sunlight completely.'

'or else you vaporize like a vampire?'

'i don't know if it's that dramatic, but maybe.' Scratch.

'you're making me want to itch.'

'i'm really sorry my pain is making you uncomfortable.'

'i'm really sorry too. so what else is going on with you?'

'er, nothing.'

'that's definately a lie.'

'nope.'

Scratch.

'angela, i've known you long enough to know exactly when you're lying.'

'so.'

'so, who is she?'

Scratch. Stare.

'well?'

'i don't want to jinx it. besides, she reads all my blogs.'

'so?'

'what do you mean so?' Scratch. 'if she reads it then she'll know all the stuff she's not supposed to find out yet.'

'oh that's right, you have these rules.'

'yep.'

'they've worked out so well for you in the past.'

'hey, i like my rules.'

'i know. you like everything you do regardless of if it works or not.'

'you don't think it works?'

'would you like me to go back through my notes and read back to you all the ways it hasn't worked?'

Scratch.

'that's what i thought. drop the rules. be yourself.'

Look over at Satan, Satan shrugs. Look back at therapist, say; 'ok'.

'promise.'

'yes. i promise.'

'good. i'll see you next week. and please don't scratch like that in front of the new donkey.'

'she's not a donkey.'

'hm, that's a good start.'

'what's with the dress?'

'i just bought it for a wedding. it's the only one i own. i like it, i'm wearing it everywhere.'

'nice tan lines.'

'yeah, you know i was concerned about those until i realized that i couldn't wear a bra with this thing. then, the tan lines didn't matter as much.'

'it's a summer dress.'

'yeah?'

'you don't wear bras with summer dresses.'

'oh, well thanks captain feminine. something a dyke wouldn't know.'

'it looks nice. if you squint hard enough you can blur out the tan lines.'

'you know, if i wanted to be emotionally abused i'd go back to dating puerto ricans.'

'you're right. i'll stop teasing you. so...what's new?'

'i've currently hit year 4 of being single.'

'you've dated in the past four years.'

'yeah. but none of them have been like...relationships.'

'well, true. how do you feel about that?'

'er...i don't know. fine i guess. i mean, i do whatever i want. spend money without asking permission. look at hot girls walking by without getting hit and stuff. but cuddling my stuffed elephant is getting old.'

'maybe you should buy a stuffed bear?'

'why a bear?'

'no reason. it was just the first animal that came to mind.'

'hmm. i'm not sure a stuffed anything is really a replacement for a human.'

'no. not really.'

'but then again, the stuffed animals don't bitch and moan.'

'they don't use all your toilet paper either.'

'yeah. and they don't make me massage their back!'

'or run to the store to pick up tampons.'

Look over at Satan. Satan reads tampon application instructions.

Look back at therapist, say; 'maybe it's not so bad.'

'if you look at the positives, anything can become acceptable.'

'umm, really? because i don't think there are any positives about say, clamydia.'

'well, you get it from having sex. sex is positive.'

'are you on vicadin today?'

'no, why do you ask?'

'you're acting weird.'

'weird is subjective. what else is new?'

'i hate my job.'

'that's not new. what else you got?'

'uh, i've lost my keys twice and my credit card once in one week.'

'sounds like an attention to detail problem.'

'so i'm not going crazy?'

'well, maybe. but probably not. do you have anything on your mind keeping you distracted?'

'uh, no.'

'oh.  you're going crazy.'

Look over at Satan. Satan shoots tampon out of applicator. Catches it. Tampon bursts into flames.

Look back at therapist, say; 'today hasn't been very helpful.'

'where are your keys?'

'right here in my hand.'

'great! then you haven't lost them again.'

'how is that helpful?'

'i've helped you focus.'

'uh...'

'trust me, i'm a professional. oh look, our time is up.'

'i've accomplished nothing today.'

'that's not true. you've convinced yourself being single is a good thing.'

'uh...'

'and you haven't lost your keys. just nod and get out.'

'do you have tickets to a broadway show or something?'

'why do you ask?'

'because you want to get rid of me.'

'yes i do and yes i do.'

'oh'. Nod. Get out.

‘what’s new?’

‘i went over to white pony’s farm the other day.’

'is this the same white pony whom you’ve tried to ride for over 3 years, got to briefly pet a year ago, thought you'd get to own, only to have her start giving another admirer exclusive rights to rides in her saddle all the while keeping you hanging around the barn yard with occasional flicks of her tail?’

‘that’s a lot of metaphor. but yes…i think.’

'i thought we weren’t going to pet white pony anymore.’

‘i didn’t touch her.’

‘ok, what did you do?’

‘we talked. then she casually brought up a touchy subject that may or may not have had something to do with giving another rider sporadic forays on her saddle when the owner is out of town.’

‘of course you thought that meant she wanted you in the saddle so you offered up your riding skills, were turned down and are now in my office mystified by what happened?’

‘yes. she’s good.’

‘that’s because she’s a manipulator.’

‘yeah?’

‘you’re a manipulator.’

‘so?’

‘but not a great one. you will be outclassed everytime.’

‘i don’t get it.’

‘you have two choices when confronted with another manipulator. engage in a manipulative power struggle or walk away.’

‘i never walk away.’

‘naturally, because you’re also narcissistic and couldn’t imagine a world where you lose at something. although anyone would know that you’re both actually losing because you’re both manipulators and being a manipulator is inherently a losing behavior.’

Look over at Satan. Satan shrugs.

Look back at therapist, say: ‘why do i manipulate?’

‘there are several reasons to choose from, in your case i think it’s a combination of two. for fun and to gain control.’

‘i don’t think in this instance i’m gaining control.’

‘no, you are not.’

‘but i want to.’

‘no, angela you really don’t.’

‘why not?’

‘because much like monopoly, risk or candyland…’

‘ooo, i love candyland!’

‘...it’s a game. but it’s not a game that either of you will ever win. you’ll just continue to push and pull back and forth wasting time and energy.’

‘i’m never going to bang her am i?’

‘i can’t say never. but do you really want it badly enough that you’re willing to engage in this behavior with her indefinitely?’

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head affirmative.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘yes.’

‘really?’

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head affirmative.

Frown. Look back at therapist, sigh, say; ‘no.’

‘good. then move on. and i mean really this time. like take the pony to the back 40, shoot it and then bury all the parts. probably in different locations so you can never assemble them again.’

‘thank you for not yelling at me.’

‘oh angela, yelling at you is what you have friends for. since i get paid for listening to your stupid mistakes, i have to take a more measured approach.’

‘that’s like a nice way of saying i’m dumb.’

‘i wouldn’t say dumb. i’d say you tend to make the same mistakes. repeatedly.’

‘so, dumb.’

‘if you insist.’