me vs. therapy

 'you're beaming.'

 'yep.' Stare dreamily.

 'does that hurt, because it looks like it might be painful in your smile area.'

 'nope. i'm great!' Stare dreamily.

 'angela...are you on any drugs right now...at the moment....at all?'

 'no. why?' Stare dreamily.

 'because you're acting....well, odd.'

 'i met someone.' Stare dreamily.

 'i see. when did this unliklihood happen?'

 'august 12th at about 9pm. it was warm out, about 82 degress. i was wearing my blue boxers and snap, crackle, pop t-shirt.' Stare dreamily.

 'uh-huh.'

 'we met online. she wrote me an email. it made me laugh so hard i spit out my chinese food, but don't worry, the cat got it.' Stare dreamily.

 'hmm, well...it certainly appears to me that  you're happy.'

 'i'm ecstatic.' Look over at Satan, Satan swats at floating hearts and tweetie birds. Frowns.

 Look back at therapist. say: 'she's amazzzzzzing' Stare dreamily.

 'wow, well with 6 z's i guess she certainly is.'

 'i'd go on and on about her, but that would be annoying.' Stare dreamily.

 'more annoying than you constantly staring dreamily? i doubt it.'

 'right?!' Stare dreamily.

 'so, i trust that she has a laundry list of amazing characteristics, behaviors and beliefs?'

 'and she cooks like julia child.' Stare dreamily.

 '...good cooking is always a bonus.'

 'i think she might be like, exactly the perfect person ever.' Look over at Satan. Satan uses zippo to light floating hearts on fire, scorches pinkie, curses loudly.

 Look back at therepist. Therapist says; 'well, this may come as a shock to you...and the masses who read your blog (which i frown upon) but, i think in all my years of knowing you that i can honestly say you're more in touch with your wants and needs than a lot of people i know. so i'm pretty confident in your decision that this donkey is in fact a winning match.'

 'you said donkey. that means so much!' Stare dreamily.

 'since you look so happy for a change, i thought i'd help encourage you.'

 'you're awesome. everyone's awesome, life is awesome, even your fish and his trail of shit is awesome!' Stare dreamily.

 'how old is she?'

 'younger.' Stare dreamily.

 'how young is younger and would you please put a moratorium on staring dreamily?'

 'oh all right. geez.' Stare somewhat dreamily.

 'age?'

 'does that matter...i mean, really don't you shrinks consider that a non issue?' Stare somewhat dreamily.

 'of course. but, i'd still like to know her age.'

 'she's somewhere in her late 20's and she's an aries.' Stare somewhat dreamily.

 'aren't you an aries?'

 'yes.' Stare somewhat dreamily.

 'so when do i get to meet her for couples therapy?'

 'haha.' Stare somewhat dreamily.

 'hey, with all this staring dreamily someone had to step up and try to be funny.'

 'well done. hey, so i'm a little scared of getting hurt. any advice?'

 'people get hurt. you can't avoid it, so go out there and have a good time.'

 'wow...that's the easiest money you ever made off me.'

 'why, because a fortune cookie could have told you the same thing?'

 'well, yeah.'

 'cause that's what mine said at lunch.'

 'oh, you silly therapist. look at you being all witty and funny!'

 'it's a hobby. so, times up. keep smiling, it looks great on you.'

 'you know what else looks great on me?'

 'goodbye angela...'

 'bye therapist!'

'so your screenname is porkchopzz and you're wondering aloud to me why no girls are emailing you?'

'yes.'

'hmm...'

'what? do you think it's because of the name?'

'perhaps not completely. what's the gist of your personality on this dating site?'

'i'm going for the funny asshole approach.'

'well, then that would explain it right there.'

'what...girls like funny.'

'yes, they do.'

'so....'

'so, they also like not-assholes.'

'yeah, i kinda wondered if that would put a damper on my chances.'

'yeah, i think it kinda has. maybe you should try being more of yourself and less of the stage angela.'

'maybe. but, that's not fun to write.'

'or, it's not fun to be completely yourself because when girls still don't email you can't hide behind the it's-because-i-acted-like-a-funny-asshole bit.'

'or, it's not fun to be completely myself because i like video games, washing cars, putting together legos and reading harry potter and girls...on average, don't.'

'well, then you aren't being yourself for the sake of finding someone and that in turn will lead you directly to failure.'

'now you're implying that being single is a failure.'

'that's not what i said.'

'yes, you did.'

'what i said was you won't find any kind of real relationship if you're not yourself from day 1.'

'what if i'm a shadow of my real self?'

'i'm not playing this game with you.'

'please?'

'no. you're deflecting and it's a waste of our time.'

'at least i'm being my real self.'

'you have a point.'

'does it make you like me more when i'm real?'

'i'm an observer. liking you is not a part of that role.'

'can we write it in the script?'

'angela.'

'ok. so, i'll adjust my profile to be more reflective of who i really am.'

'that sounds like a good start.'

'what if i just delete my profile all together?'

'that's your choice, but why would you choose to do that?'

'because the only visitors i seem to get are men.'

'is that right?'

'yes. well, and one cock-eyed girl from maine.'

'maine is a bit far.'

'yeah. that's what i thought too. they have good lobster though....'

'ok, well this has been delightful for me but our time is up.'

'dang it.'

'yes...dang.'

'i have a quick question.'

'go ahead.'

'if you're not yourself to new people for years, how do you learn to be yourself to new people again?'

'whatever you're going to say to be funny or witty or cleaver....don't.'

'really..it's that easy?'

'no. you'll suffer. but, i know you can do it.'

'awww, that's nice.'

'i like to be my real self now and again.'

'leading by example. awesome.'

'bye angela.'

'bye therapist.'

'so angela, how have you been?'

'i've been fucking hot.'

'umm, yes. it's quite warm out there as of late.'

'warm? it's not warm. it's a fucking jungle. there's fucking jaguars and macaws outside my bedroom window. the only fucking thing missing is tarzan and a fucking monkey.'

'uh-huh..so, you don't really enjoy summer?'

'oh no, i like the summer alright. but if i wanted to live in a fucking sauna, i'd move to fucking florida and plant a fucking palm tree next to my fucking alligator pond.'

'right.'

'right...what?'

'nothing, just listening to your tangent.'

'are you going to write something in your notebook?'

'if i wanted to write something about extreme temperatures triggering anger outbursts then i'd be writing while you're having one.'

'what about my repeated use of the word "fuck".'

'common coping mechanism when an individual has heat induced brain damage.'

'you're a fucking riot.'

'yes, i fucking am. ok, well besides whining about the heat what else can we discuss today?'

'i don't know. you think of something for a change.'

'ok, well why don't we touch on your non-existant dating life, that's always interesting.'

'how is it interesting if it's non-existant?'

'seeing you struggle is interesting, not the stories themselves.'

'oh. right. well, i haven't been dating.'

'is that right...i'm shocked.'

'....women.'

'ummm, bored again. great. go on....'

'i've met some dudes. dudes like me.'

'yes, you have a nice sense of humor to go along with your fake chest.'

'they like me for my mind.'

'sure they do. continue.'

'so anyway, the dates are fine but there's no spark.'

'that's quite surprising to me.'

'no it's not and quit looking at me like you're surprised because i know your condesending fake surprised look and you're doing it right now.'

'that was a big sentence.'

'it didn't have any commas in it either.'

'you never were very good with punctuation.'

'nor spelling.'

'nor men.'

'nor women.'

'wow...we could go on all day with things you're not good at.'

'we could, but that would cost me a lot of money and it might deflate my ego.'

'fat chance. hey...what's that on your arm?'

Look over at satan, satan coughs...looks the other way.

Look back at therapist, roll up sleeve. say; 'ummm, well that's my first tattoo.'

'it appears to be coordinates....'

'yes.'

'i don't have to ask where, i'm sure.'

'well, after all the time we've spent together, i should hope not.'

'very nice. for a tattoo.'

'do you have any tattoos?'

'yes.'

Stare at therapist.

Therapist stares back.

Look over at satan.

Satan stares back.

Look back at therapist, say: 'well?'

'it wouldn't be appropriate to share them with you.'

'is one of them my name?'

'no.'

'fuck.'

'nope. not that either.'

Smile.

Therapist smiles.

Say; 'thanks for making me smile.'

'you're welcome, now go home and sit next to the air conditioning and quit saying fuck so much. okay?'

'fuck yeah!'

'it's been quite some time since your last visit'.

'you sound like my gynocologist.'

'really?'

'no. she would actually say "angela, you were just here last week, go home, you're not scheduled".'

'oh, that's right, you like your gynocologist.'

'only because she's a captive audience for my stories.'

'kind of like me...'

'and she's sparklie.'

'kind of like me.'

'and she's hot.'

'kind of like me...'

Look over at Satan. Satan raises brow, shrugs.

Look back at therapist, say; 'we guess so.'

'uh-huh. so, how have you been, what with all the changes that have happened lately?'

'well, my new pad is pretty rockin'.'

'rocking is good.'

'no...not rocking...rockin', with the thingie replacing the g so it sounds hipper.'

'you're 36.'

'yeah.'

'36 is about 6 years past hip.'

'hey, i wear ed hardy belts and aeropastole stuff.'

'that doesn't make you hip it makes you a poser of hip. besides the fact that ed hardy isn't even hip.'

'i don't like the direction of this inquiry.'

'you just used inquiry inproperly.'

'can you quit riding me please?'

'like riding or ridin'. ?

'that's not funny.'

'yes, it kinda' is.'

'quit it.'

'i'm sorry, you're right. i'll stop playin' with you.'

Look off camera.

Blink.

Look back at therapist, say; 'and the job is going ok.'

'describe ok.'

'i dress up. my heels click on the marble. it sounds fancy. i have a great view. most of the day i shuffle papers. sometimes i type something or other. then i go home.'

'that was the most passionless breakdown of a workday i've ever heard.'

'worse than the garbage guy?'

'yes.'

'wow....so it's time to start that lawn mowing business?'

'are you serious or are you joking?'

'i'm serious. in fact, i've given it quite a lot of thought through the years. i think it should be a topless women lawnmowing service.

'errrr....'

'no, no...don't judge. just picture this...jingle and a jangle lawn care!'

'ummm....'

'can you imagine the price we could charge? espiecially if we put the size DD girl on the weed wacker.'

'how's your parents?'

'you don't like the idea?'

'no.'

'so...you wouldn't hire my company?'

'i think my feminst movement card would be revoked.'

'hmmm...could i put business cards in your entryway?'

'angela.'

'yes.'

'no.'

'ok.'

Stare.

Therapist stares back.

Stare.

Therapist stares back.

Say; 'it's time to go huh?'

'yes it is.'

'see ya next time.'

'goodbye.'

'remember that time we talked about me turning down that great job in connecticut?'

'considering it was last week, yes.'

'umm, well...i kinda called them back and accepted.'

'and then they laughed at you and hung up.'

'yes.'

'really?'

'no. they told me i was crazy and that's just the kind of person they're looking for.'

'uh-huh. so you finally got your backbone thing straightened out and you're moving out of rhode island.'

'ahhh, yes. one battle won.'

'but a war yet to wage.'

'what was that?'

'nothing. so, that's exciting.'

'yes, it is. i'm really nervous because i have this complex about failing.'

'you'll do fine.'

'that's the easy line everyone says.'

'ok, well...life is hard, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. try not to pee or drool on yourself and most likely you'll come out ahead.'

'wow. so that didn't sound much better.'

'you'll take what you can get.'

'oh, are we talking about dating now? cause that's what it sounds like.'

Therapist smiles. Look over at satan. satan gives thumbs down.

Look back at therapist, therapist says; 'how is the dating life?'

Blink.

Therapist blinks back.

Blink. say; 'yeah...that's about it.'

'hmm...well, i'm sure things will pick up now that you'll be living in the big city.'

'and if they don't?'

'you have higher buildings to leap from.'

'awesome.'

'well, i can't wait to hear about the new job next visit. until then....'

'don't pee myself?'

'yes...don't pee yourself and try not to tell any of those jokes that you think are funny.'

'but they are.....ok, they're not. got it.'

'good. see you later, gator.'

'bye toots!'