me vs. therapy

'what’s new?'

'i’m seeing my best friend.'

'oh, that’s nice. how long has it been since you’ve seen her?'

'a few months. but what i meant is that i’m SEEING my best friend.'

'when you jerk your body around on the ‘seeing’ part, it makes me think that you’re trying to emphasize something…or about to have some kind of seizure.'

'we’re like friends but you know, not just friends.'

'so you’re trying to tell me that you’re romantically involved as well?'

'yes.'

'how’s that working out?'

'it’s really nice and really weird.'

'why nice?'

'she knows all my dirty shit and doesn't run away screaming.'

'does she know about your star wars habit, your video game addiction, your juvenile appreciation for that’s-what-she-said?'

'yes. she even knows that i have a dashboard duster in my glove compartment and dust my car when i'm stuck in traffic.'

'certainly encouraging so far. why weird?'

'i’m not used to not being afraid.'

'so you must trust her completely?'

'yeah. i don’t know what to do with that. it’s not typical, so i spend a lot of time pondering that and frowning.'

'you spent a lot of time frowning before, that’s nothing new. in fact i’d be more than a little worried if you stopped frowning. have you heard of resting bitch face?'

Nod.

'well, you have resting frown face.'

'some people find that mysterious.'

'some people like having sex while wearing a diaper.'

'you’re trying to squash my schtick.'

'you don’t have a schtick.'

'yes i do.'

Look over at Satan, Satan shakes head no. Look back at therapist.

'wearing underoo’s and playing with lego’s isn’t a schtick, angela.'

'you’re mean and underoo’s are really comfortable.'

'moving right along, or actually back to our original conversation, how did a romance happen with your best friend?'

'she saw me in my underoo’s and once she came-to after swooning she asked me if i’d consider dating her.'

'now that you’re done joking, what really happened?'

'i don’t know, it just kind of developed this spring the more and more we talked on the phone and emailed and mutually moaned about our dating mis-adventures. we both started to realize that being friends first is a super awesome way to start a relationship.'

'yes, it certainly can be. do you communicate daily?'

'yes. it’s pretty frustrating some days because i feel like because we live states apart that i’m wasting time sitting around in connecticut when I should be near her.'

'well your patience has always been shit, angela.'

'that’s not true. one time, i waited for….oh, no i didn’t.'

'give it time to unfold. you tend to get way ahead of yourself and then screw everything up.'

'that’s nice, i pay you?'

'i appreciate your candid nature and in so doing have become accustomed to being rather blunt in return.'

'that’s a mouthful.'

'that’s what she said.'

‘i like grocery shopping before work.’

‘yes, it must be very quite.’

‘it is. well, except for the guys stocking the shelves. they aren’t quite, they play this boombox and they move it from aisle to aisle as they stock. they play classic rock, i hate classic rock. have you ever noticed that blue collar dudes LOVE classic rock?’

‘no.’

‘well, they do. all of them. they love classic rock. they can’t get enough of that shit. and ford trucks, they love ford trucks. and chevy trucks. and dodge trucks. but a toyota or a nissan? forget it, they run those over.’

‘i see you haven’t honed your skill at being less judgmental.’

‘anyway, it’s nice because there’s no people getting in my way. i stood in the pet aisle for a good ten minutes. i didn’t have to fight one old cat lady.’

‘your birthday is coming up, you’re fast approaching the old cat lady age.’

‘yes, i have crow’s feet. so i was really giddy standing there in the canned cat food area.’

‘why?’

‘i don’t know. it’s become this rush picking out the cat food flavors.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘like i was super excited when I found the breakfast line of friskies canned food. i kept thinking “oh my god! maddie is going to love the breakfast bake with turkey and salmon”, more excited than i get over my food.’

‘how’s that search for volunteering coming?’

‘i haven’t found a place yet. why?’

‘well, it sounds like you have a very full and well-rounded life, but maybe having a place to go weekly would be really good for you.’

‘i have a place to go.’

‘i mean besides in front of your video game system.’

‘i read.’

‘you read the same books.’

‘no.’

‘over and over.’

‘no, i read other stuff.’

‘and over and over.’

‘that’s not true.'

'and over again.'

'i started “co-dependent no more”.’

‘that’s good. learning anything?’

‘sort of. i mean, i can relate to some of it, but mostly it sounds a little too kooky for me. i’m not that bad. so i stopped reading it after chapter three.’

‘maybe you should finish it.’

‘why?’

‘well…’

‘you think i’m co-dependent?’

Look over at Satan, Satan tips up whiskey bottle, winks.

Look back at therapist, therapist says: ‘satan hasn’t been around in a while. your readers will be happy you brought him back.’

‘what?’

‘nothing. yes, i think you’re slightly a little bit co-dependent. but it’s ok, it’s not bad. you should just consider modifying a few things.’

‘ok. i’ll read the rest of it.’

‘no you won’t.’

‘no i won’t. i want to read my harry potter again. i like it, it makes me feel happy.’

‘what else is new?’

‘i’m going to michigan for my birthday. it’s my 40th and i want to be around my home.’

‘that sounds lovely.’

‘it won’t be. it will be cold and snowy and grey. but it will be nice to see my friends.’

‘true.’

‘and eat all the shit i can’t find out here.’

‘well, i hope you have a wonderful time trying to give yourself a heart attack at steak n’ shake. maybe we can make another appointment after you get released from the hospital.’

‘can you come to my room for a session?’

‘no, this show doesn’t travel.’

‘ok. well, hopefully i see you in a few weeks!’

‘bring me back a vernors.’

‘how are you angela?’

‘i’m doing well. i love the holidays, so i’m like a pig in shit lately.’

‘interesting saying, midwestern?’

‘i guess, i kinda thought it was universal.’

‘perhaps. i’m a city gal so it’s new to me. anything exciting happening?’

‘i had a food poisoning adventure.’

‘i’m sorry to hear that. can i please direct you to a new subject or are you going to tell me the story anyway because from the way you just lit up i get the feeling you really want to retell the tale…’

Therapist looks over at Satan, Satan shrugs.

‘you see i was at work and i had just gotten back from lunch with my friend. i was sitting at my desk when there was a strange noise from my middle area.’

‘how very interesting, can we talk about your dating life?’

‘well, then i got that wave, you know the wave?’

Blank stare.

 ‘the wave prompted me to get up and begin my journey to find an empty bathroom.’

‘my impression of you leads me to believe that you don’t need the bathroom to be empty.’

‘one would guess, but no you’d be wrong. i like keeping my privates private. well expect for peeing, peeing is like universally accepted to do in the same room as others, if not right there in front of your friends. especially when you’re all drunk and sharing a stall at the club. they can also assist in steadying  in case of sway or swoon over the toilet in your stupor.’

‘painful. go on.’

‘well i started out on my path to greatness by going directly to the bathroom on my floor….at a steady easy pace, but with purpose.’

Therapist looks at Satan, Satan looks bored.

‘it was right after lunchtime so of course there was a gaggle of hens clucking away in there.’

‘you refer to woman as hens, how inappropriate.’

‘clucking away. so anyway, i exited quickly because my middle area made another funny noise that was somewhat more demanding than the first funny noise. i went to the elevator and hit ‘two’. down i went, hoping, struggling, sweating. making a heroic effort to stave off the inevitable. ding! we’re there, i rush as quickly to the bathroom on two as my insides permit and guess what?’

‘more hens clucking?’

‘yes! everywhere. there was even a line! by now, it’s do or die time...'

'or go home early in shame time.'

'i rush back out and take the stairs, calmly yet hurriedly, down to floor one, my last hope...where…’

‘you tried the rooster house?’

‘no. the potty gods shined down their love upon me as i threw open the door to the bathroom and before me lay five wonderfully empty stalls. it looked like an oasis.’

‘this is the worst story i have ever heard in my life.’

‘and there i sat for a good ten minutes, thanking the potty gods over and over again and cursing ruby tuesdays and their tainted salad bar products.’

‘you do know this is a counseling session for your mind right?’

‘it’s funny therapist. everyone can relate to potty.’

‘umm. so moving right along, what else is new?’

‘my cat has been sick, so we’ve run some tests. one final test is a screen on her urine, so i’ve been trying to collect that from her. have you ever tried to collect urine from a cat?’

‘i have not.’

‘i play this game where i watch her, but i don’t let her know i’m watching her...'

'like a stalker, how proud your parents must be.'

'...because if she knows i’m watching her she won’t go to the litter. which is strange because every time i pee she’s in the bathroom as quickly as possible to sit and watch me. anyway, once she slides into the litter box i grab my homemade cat urine collector and try to situate it under her cat urine making area. which is harder than one would think as a cat squatting to pee doesn’t  leave much clearance to wedge a modified plastic cup under. so basically i end up with cat urine on my hand, litter under my nails and nothing in the cup.’

‘you lead quite a fascinating life…’

‘like in a great gatzby kind of way!’

‘…like in a serial killer kind of way.’

‘i’m going to kansas city for my niece’s birthday this weekend.’

‘packing your germ kit?’

‘no. i’m just going to be mindful of all the filth and keep my hands to myself. It should be a really great time though! i get to see my whole family!.’

‘that sounds fantastic. i’m happy for you. and with that, this overly long and painful conversation is over.’

‘does your middle area feel funny?’

‘oh angela, quite a lot feels funny. have a great time and good luck with the cat urine.’

‘thanks therapist! i’ll keep you updated!’

‘don’t.

‘so you have a new office with a great view, that must make you happy.’

‘it’s a great view. and if any of us decide we can’t take it anymore, it’s on the ninth floor, so we can jump to happiness.’

‘how big are the windows?’

‘big enough to fit through easily. although now that i think about it, they don’t open.’

‘you might have to use a chair to bust through.’

‘yes, well with my luck, the chair will bounce back off of the window and hit me in the face with just enough force to break my nose, but not to break the window.’

‘you always run the risk of grave injury with attempted suicide. what else is new besides your super cool view?’

‘i have a date friday!’

‘that’s nice, with who?’

‘a straight girl.’

‘i don’t know what to say to that.’

‘well, she’s not totally straight. she’s semi-straight.’

‘you mean bisexual?’

‘i guess. i hate that term though. it’s so…labeled.’

‘i don’t understand you. but it’s not the first time. anyway, you sound excited.’

‘i am. i get to get out of town. getting out of town is always fun. and i get to drive. i love driving, especially when my car is clean.’

‘and you get a date. you like dates.’

‘not really.’

‘yes you do.’

‘not really. dates lead to failure 98% of the time for me.’

‘they aren’t failures, you learn something new from each one.’

‘really?’

‘yes. what do you think you learned from this last one?’

‘that i make bad dating choices.’

‘no. you continue despite all evidence of certain failure. you need to stop doing that. what else?’

‘that when the only way you communicate is through scrabble turns, that shit is over.’

‘um…’

‘ok, i learned to listen to my friends and family. again.for the 500th time.’

‘and your therapist.’

‘uh. sure.’

‘anyway, back to your date. how are you approaching this one? are you planning on implementing some of our strategies?’

‘not talking with my mouth full?’

‘well that’s always a good strategy, but some of the other ones.’

‘not speaking?’

‘well, i know that you often choose inappropriate conversations, but you’re going to have to talk at some point or else going to dinner with a dish towel would be more entertaining for her.’

‘i smell better than a dish towel.’

‘sure you do.’

‘i know! i won’t belch, or wear sneakers and i will look where i’m going because i always end up tripping. and i’ll make sure to be careful and not spill anything on myself, because i always do that too.’

‘i was actually looking more for the emotional behavioral strategies. like not reading into things, letting things happen naturally, and maybe trying to listen to what she’s saying instead of putting your spin on what she’s saying.’

‘that last one, what do you mean?’

‘for instance, she says ‘i don’t like you’ and what you hear is ‘angela i can’t live without you’.’

‘oh. do i do that?’

‘all the time.’

‘i’ll stop doing that.’

‘no you won’t.’

‘yes i will.’

‘no you won’t. but you are going to try.’

‘ok.’

‘don’t wear your super hero underoo’s either.’

‘but green lantern is good luck.’

‘when’s the last time a woman ripped off your green lanterns?’

Blank stare.

‘exactly. have a nice time.’

'where have you been angela?'

'i was traveling the world selling drugs and pulling in g's.'

'is that right.'

'no. i'm lying. i was tired of analyzing everything, so i stopped coming to therapy. i've actually been eating a lot and watching netflix religiously.'

'maybe you could have told me that was your plan.'

'you would have talked me out of it.'

'perhaps. so we need to do some catch up. have you had any big changes in your life recently?'

'i'm pregnant!'

'i didn't foget that you're a horrible liar so let's move on to real, concrete changes.'

'uh, well the thing is...i don't really have anything new to report.'

'how is your dating life?'

'let's catch up on that later.'

'ok, how is work?'

'i hate work.'

'so the same.'

'yeah, you know what?'

'you'll tell me...'

'you know how i've always struggled with how to explain my job to people? when i say i draw helicopters i imagine most people think i sit at a desk and use a pencil to draw artistic helicopters flying through sunny skies with birds and rainbows and shit. so i finish lamely with a 'on a computer'. but as i sit at work and reflect on all the stupid fucking questions i field on a daily basis and all the markups resembling a third graders art assignment i realize that i'm a translator. i translate what trained adult technical writers are trying to communicate because they don't know how to communicate effectively, so i go ahead and do it for them THEN i draw it'

'it sounds like you are resentful.'

'well yeah, now that you say that i guess i am. i mean a while back, i got a cocktail napkin with some circles and a fucking rectangular box scribbled on it. you know what that means?'

'uh, no i'm drawing a blank.'

'yeah, because you don't read fucking minds. turns out he wanted some nuts, washers and a bolt exploded out of a fairing.'

'sounds frustrating.'

'it IS therapist. how hard is it to communicate nuts, washers and bolts in a way another adult can understand? i can't imagine how some of the ding-a-lings ask their wives to pass the butter at the dinner table, they can't even communicate when they want me to draw a bolt.'

'i'm sorry that your job is so frustrating. have you thought of getting a new one?'

'no.'

'ok, well that's hard to work with.'

'let's move on to i finally went to the gynocologist.'

'oh that's nice. everything go alright?'

'my parts are ship shape and barnacle free.'

'well that's good to hear. anything else?'

'i went on a three dates with perfect polly.'

'excuse me?'

'perfect polly. she's that girl that is hands down perfect for me. it would have only been two dates, but my mom convinced me that i needed to go on one more date just to make sure.'

'to make sure of what?'

'that even though she's perfect i can't like her.'

'why can't you like her?'

'dunno. when i think of kissing her, i wrinkle my nose. when i think of candles and dinner and violin music i frown.'

'so you're not attracted to perfect polly?'

'no.'

'what a surprise.'

'what's that supposed to mean?'

'we'll work on that latter. time is up. good luck with those nuts. and don't even that's-what-she-said me because i'm so over it.'

'but it's my thing. it makes me feel witty.'

'you're witty in other ways. cultivate them. and set up a new appointment with my assistant before you leave so you don't accidentally foget to show up next time you're running drugs from columbia.'

'i don't do south america. it's too moist.'

'you know that i hate that word.'

'moist?'

'angela.'

'do you have a towelette for my hands before i leave, they're quiet dirty. something moist would be best.'

'goodbye angela.'

'can i borrow an office umbrella to make it to my car, the rain will get my hair moist.'

'i've stopped listening.'