me vs. therapy

'you don't look so great.'

'i feel like i have mono.'

'kissing 15-year olds again? you know what i told you about that.'

'not to get caught?'

'exactly. so, how's life?'

'i've been dating this super awesome girl.'

'that's nice to hear. for more than two days i hope?'

'yes actually, like for a few months.'

'and she still likes you. that's great.'

'i know. i haven't screwed anything up yet.'

'well, don't be too hard on yourself, there's plenty of time for that.'

'actually, there's not. she'll be leaving the area in a few months for a job.'

'oh. how's that make you feel?'

'hmm...kind of like...unsettled. like when you know you have a huge exam looming at the end of the semester and it counts for like twenty five percent of your grade and you're pretty sure you're going to fail it because it's math and you suck at math.'

'i don't suck at math.'

'ok, well i'm sure you suck at something.'

'no.'

'everybody has to suck at something.'

'not me.'

'seriously?'

'i kill plants.'

'there, see you're just like everyone else.'

'so she's leaving and you like her. there's that old friend abandonment rearing its head again. think you'll be ok once she leaves?'

'no.'

'so?'

'so i'll eat a lot of pizza and ice cream.'

'sounds like a well thought out plan. i'll make sure to stock up on kleenex...the non-lotioned ones that you like so much. what else is new?'

'work is really slow.'

'how's that new?'

'it's not. it's just slow-er.'

'are you using your downtime to do anything productive?'

'no.'

'are you looking for a new job?'

'no.'

'are you napping and playing solataire?'

'maybe.'

'hmm.'

'what?'

'nothing.'

'what?'

'it's nothing.'

'what are you writing in your notebook?'

'lazy.'

'ha ha.'

'do me a favor angela.'

'why?'

'because i asked nicely. spend some energy, while you're sitting around at work staring at the wall, thinking about some next steps.'

'but i have mono. i'm exhausted. i'll start next week.'

'i don't want your excuses, i want a report of what you've been doing with your down time by your next visit.'

'ugh. fine. you're awfully pushy for a therapist.'

'you're desperately in need of a push. consider it a gift from me to you. you can thank me later.'

'how about i thank you now?'

'i don't want your mono-laced kiss, thanks.'

'you always beat me to the punchline.'

'of course i do.'

'so if i understand you correctly anytime a friend, a group of friends or a romantic interest leaves your home you start to feel sad and empty?'

'it sounds kind of pathetic when you say it out loud.'

'a lot of things sound kind of pathetic when you say them out loud.'

'yeah, like "sir, can you get my underwear down from the flagpole please?"'

'uh?'

'nevermind. yes so that's how i feel. to this day. at the age of 37.'

'do you have any idea why?'

'yes. i figured it out a few years ago. finally.'

'and?'

'it's because of my best friend peter.'

'peter was your playmate growing up right?'

'yeah, from when i was 4 until i was 12.'

'and what does he have to do with your feelings?'

'all those years his family would drive up to the vacation house next door to our house on friday and leave on sunday. every week...for 8 formative childhood years.'

'so you think his leaving every sunday triggered these feelings of loss to appear?'

'yep. i'm sure of it. and the shitty thing is i know why i feel sad but i can't make it go away.'

'well, just because we know something doesn't always mean we can fix it.'

'that's shit.'

'yes, life is shit sometimes.'

'i feel like a lunatic. isn't there like, some techinque you can have me practice?'

'hmm...how about distracting yourself with activities when someone leaves?'

'that would involve focusing.'

'right. not your best feature.'

'i think i'm just going to have to live with it. like herpes.'

'when did you get herpes?'

'i don't have herpes.'

'i thought you just said you had herpes?'

'no, i was just saying that the feeling is going to stick around forever, like herpes.'

'are you sure this isn't your way of casually letting me know you have herpes?'

'i don't have herpes!'

'ok, but the more you get defensive the easier it is to believe you're lying.'

Stare.

Therapist stares back.

Stare.

Therapist stares back.

Stare.

Therapist stares back, says: 'you see, you can focus when you want to.'

'wow. it's not as hard as i thought.'

'now, go practice it please so we can find you a girlfriend and you can talk about something other than relationships in my office every week.'

Stare.

'well done, angela.'

‘how’s the whole running thing going?’

‘eh, it’s ok.’

‘what’s your routine?’

‘i like…get on the treadmill and run.’

‘how far?’

‘until i can’t breathe anymore. then i stop.’

‘i see. that seems like a good routine.’

‘well, it’s not really. but i hate running so at least i’m doing it in the first place.’

‘yes, running doesn’t seem pleasant.’

‘it’s not. it’s something i think we’re supposed to do only in the most dire situations.’

‘like if a bear is chasing us.’

‘exactly.’

‘so tell me, are those running shoes that you have on?’

Look down at shoes.

Look back up, say; ‘yeah, why?’

‘they’re quite…orange.’

‘i like bright colors.’

‘yes, of course.’

‘what? they make me look fast.’

Look over at Satan, Satan shakes head no. Look back at therapist.

Therapist says; ‘you don’t need to be defensive, i wasn’t making fun of you. i’ve just never seen that color before outside of a crayola box.’

‘they were on sale, ok?’

‘i’m sure they were.’

‘not because they’re orange, because they’re last year’s model.’

‘uh-huh. well, as long as they are comfortable then that’s all that matters.’

‘is this a metaphor for the whole i-only-date-attractive-women talk we had a while back?’

‘uh, no. but why would you think of that?’

‘i don’t know, maybe because you think i should care more about functional shoes rather than attractive shoes.’

‘hmm, i could see the connection.’

‘really?’

‘no. but then again you see life through a different tint than a lot of people.’

‘you’re calling me strange.’

‘i didn’t say that at all.’

‘you eluded to it.’

‘no i did not. you’re putting words in my mouth.’

‘did you know that i went bowling this weekend?’

‘no. because you didn’t tell me up until now.’

‘well i did.’

‘wow. i can’t imagine you venturing into a bowling alley considering the filth associated with the balls and shoes in one. who’s the girl?’

‘someone i’ve been dating. how’d you guess?’

‘because i can’t imagine you venturing into a bowling alley considering the filth associated with the balls and shoes there if it weren’t for a girl.’

‘i didn’t win.’

‘of course you didn’t. you were probably too drunk to see straight since you get loaded off one and i’m assuming you had more than that?’

‘why are you always right?’

‘because i went to school to be.’

‘it’s time for me to go.’

‘yes it is. and just in time because i was starting to see spots in my vision thanks to your shoes.’

‘you’re hilarious.’

'so angela, how's life?'

'my feet hurt.'

'because?'

'i've been running a lot.'

'why?'

'because i'm entered into this race in may and i'm chubby. i had to start training or else i'd get winded, stop and fall down midway through.'

'i see. that wouldn't be good.'

'no. especially considering there will be zombies chasing me.'

'um-hum. what do you mean, zombies?'

'you know, like...zombies. they're dead and they shuffle and they want to eat your face.'

'did you start taking any new medications?'

'no, i'm not taking drugs. it's a zombie race. people dress up as zombies and chase you around while you're racing.'

'oh. wow, that sounds...interesting.'

'oh. wow, that sounds...condescending.'

'no, no. i guess i just don't get into racing much. nor zombies.'

'suit yourself, it's fun though and i want to have fun.'

'and not be chubby.'

'right.'

'so aside from this interesing new hobby of yours, what else is new?'

'i shaved my legs last night.'

'oh, i see. now you're going to be difficult?'

'no. i mean why would i be difficult just because you think the zombie race is dumb?'

'angela, that's not what i said. can we move on?'

'uh-huh.'

'back to what else is new. anything you'd like to talk about?'

'i get to go to family disney in a few weeks!'

'family disney. is that the gay week or truely a family disney trip?'

'hey, that's funny! no wonder people make weird faces when i say that. it's a family disney trip. the only gay will be me.'

'that sounds nice. i bet you're going to have a great time.'

'i can't imagine i wouldn't. unless of course zombie disney characters attack us.'

'i think we need to start working on how to let things go.'

'i like holding on. it gives me leverage later on.'

'no angela, it gives you a lot of alone time.'

'would you give me a lot of alone time if i didn't let things go?'

'yes. unfortunately you pay me to be here so i can't leave.'

'that hurt.'

'no, i'm pretty sure it didn't. besides, i was only pulling your leg.'

'my non-hairy leg.'

'right, so i plan on hearing all about your trip when you get back.'

'if the zombies don't eat m....i mean, ok.'

'very good. keep practicing and you'll get there.'

'thanks therapist.'

'you're welcome angela.'

'what did you steal?'

'huh?'

'i said, what did you steal?'

'i don't understand the question.'

'there's a shape protruding out from under your sweater vest. it appears to be a box of some kind. tampons, granola bars or a 6-pack of soap?'

Look down. Look back up, say; 'well, would you look at that. where did that come from?'

'angela.'

'maybe it's an alien incubating.'

'angela.'

'yes?'

'what's on your chest?'

'boobs!'

'angela.'

'it's a monitor.'

'what kind of monitor?'

'a dell.'

'angela, what kind of monitor is on your chest?'

'it's a heart monitor.'

'why are you hooked up to a heart monitor?'

'my cardiologist made me.'

'why?'

'he wants to monitor my heart beat for 24 hours'.

'why?'

'to pay off his bmw.'

'no really, why?'

'because there's been some heart issues in the family and he wants to see if i'm going to die.'

'and?'

'so far i'm not dead.'

'great. you'll let me know if you do.'

'sure.'

'that's good. how's your job?'

'unfortunate.'

'that's not good.'

'yeah, but it's typical so not really worth noting.'

'anything going on that is worth noting?'

'i had a super awesome filet the other night with lumps of lobster meat on top!'

'fascinating.'

'you'd think so if you had one.'

'i'm pretty sure i wouldn't as i'm a vegatarian.'

'er, oh yeah. i keep forgetting that.'

'you forget a lot of things.'

'i blame my faulty heart.'

'you're ridiculous.'

'i heart you too.'

'how many times can you fit the word 'heart' into this session?'

'i don't know, but i'll give it my heartfelt effort.'

'i'm going to groan.'

'a hearty groan or more of a sigh?'

'angela?'

'yes?'

'please stop.'

'i heartily agree!'