me vs. therapy

‘she kept looking past me, to something behind me when i would answer her questions.’

‘how’d did that make you feel?’

‘it made me feel like she didn’t give a shit what i was saying.’

‘was there anything behind you?’

‘yeah, there was an unattractive guy with a mass of curly red hair wearing a green t-shirt that said “irish i was drunk”.’

‘hm, yes. i can see how she would be distracted.’

‘sure. so then she tells me out of nowhere that she hopes i’m not bisexual because she doesn’t date bisexuals.’

‘why doesn’t she date bisexuals?’

‘she said they are dirty and have no idea what they want.’

‘are you a bisexual?’

‘only when i’m dating a guy.’

‘are you dirty?’

‘only if i don’t bathe for a few days...or don't wipe as well as i want because someone flushes me out of the public restroom before i'm done.’

'you're shy?'

'i'm modest.'

‘do you have any idea what you want?’

‘ok, you got me there.’

Therapist smiles. Look over at Satan. Satan points down at greent-shirt that says “irish i was drunk”. ‘

Look back at therapist, say: ‘then, not 10 minutes later she dropped the bomb.’

‘flatulence?’

‘no, but i like how you think. she told me that she is married.’

‘um, was that in her dating profile?’

‘no. i mean why would you put that in your profile? i only mention in mine that i don’t want kids….nor married people.’

‘wow, so married to a man would make her bisexual.’

‘yeah. married to a man and has a 7-year old son. but she assured me that it was all ok because their divorce would be final in december. she also assured me that she’s really not a cheater at heart even though she cheated on him all 8 years they were married.’

‘let me guess, she was cheating on him with women.’

‘of course.’

‘and he knew about it.’

‘yes. she felt badly that it hurt his feelings but she just couldn’t stop herself.’

‘so what did you do?’

‘i drank my sex on the beach as fast as possible.’

‘because you don’t want to leave before you finish your sex on the beach.’

‘i know! those things are so tasty. i finished it in a big gulp, then got up and said i had to be to work early.’

‘so no kiss huh?’

‘no, i figured after her dirty bisexual speech that i’d better keep my filth to myself.’

‘wow. so that’s what it’s like out there huh?’

‘yeah. i really don’t like giving up. but i’ve been dating so long and had so many terrible experiences that i’d rather just stay at home and watch movies and fart whenever i want and belch as loud as i feel like.’

‘well, that does sound defeatist, but after hearing all your stories i can understand your desire to throw in the towel.’

‘so…no advice?’

‘oh angela. you know i’ve given you a lot of advice over the years.i think it comes down to just being yourself and trying to maintain a positive attitude in spite of setbacks.’

‘sounds very therapist of you.’

‘well you know, considering my role in life…’

‘i’ll give it a try.’

‘even so, i expect a movie report for our next session.’

‘you got it.’

‘what’s your problem?’

‘i’m glum.’

‘why are you glum?’

‘i just had a breakup.’

‘i didn’t know you were in a relationship.’

‘i wasn’t. well, i was, but not. i don’t understand it really.’

‘neither do i. you either were or you weren’t.’

‘we were but we weren’t committed.’

‘why weren’t you committed?’

‘she didn’t want to be committed. she told me from the start.’

‘ok. why did you stay? because from what i know of you, you like commitment. a lot. almost as much as you like oreos.’

‘i guess i stayed because i was hoping she’d fall in love with me and not want anyone else.’

‘i see. so you wanted her to change?’

‘no, not change. just only want me.’

‘which is a change.’

‘people change therapist! people think they don’t like onions. but then they grow older and one day they are at the chinese place and they order fried rice to go and a spring roll. and they take their fried rice home and open it up and put it in a bowl and flop down to watch a movie and find an onion in their fried rice and wow, is that onion really fucking good. i can’t believe i could go so long without eating onions. is this what they taste like? so good that i think i’m going to like onions from now on!’

‘you really think these things don’t you?’

‘why? am i crazy?’

‘i don’t like to use the word crazy.’

‘so what word do you like to use?’

‘that’s not really important right now. so, i assume she didn’t in fact like your onions?’

‘no. i guess not.’

‘angela. i know this is hard for you to understand because you’re blessed with this eternal welling of hopefulness. but, when someone says something, you kind of have to take them at their word.’

‘i know.’

‘do you? because while i understand that often people do change their mind about onions, you can’t be the one to shove one in their face and make them eat it.’

‘i understand.’

‘ok. well, i’m sorry about your glumness and i hope that you feel better soon.’

‘thank you.’

‘someone is going to want your onions angela. someday. Until then, enjoy your garden the way it is and maybe plant some more seeds.’

‘er.’

‘it’s a metaphor.’

‘i know. it’s just sometimes it takes me a while to get where you’re headed.’

‘i’ll give you a minute.’

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

‘i think i’ve got it now.’

‘good.’

iI’ll do my best therapist.’

‘i know, angela.

‘well, i don’t think that makes you a cretin necessarily. maybe just unaware.’

i feel like an asshole when someone looks at me with a frown because i don't know something.'

‘how you feel about something is how you feel about it. you have to ask yourself why would you feel like an asshole for not knowing who angela davis is.’

‘because after i looked into who she is i figured, as a woman, i should probably have known about her.’

‘you’re a white woman.’

‘yeah?’

‘from a small, republican michigan town.’

‘yeah?’

‘i think it’s safe to say that angela davis probably wouldn’t have come up in too many conversations growing up.’

‘i just feel like i don’t know a lot of things that i should know.’

‘how does a turbo charger function?’

‘it’s a forced induction device. it harnesses the energy from the engine exhaust to drive a compressor which produces more power in a efficient way.’

‘if you have a pot, a lid, a cup and a gallon of salt water, how do you make fresh water from it?’

‘put the cup in the middle of the pot, pour the salt water in the pot, put the lid on upside down and then boil it until the condensation from the boiling drips from the handle on the upside down lid into the glass.’

‘which side of a gun releases the safety feature?’

‘if you're holding it, the right side.’

‘you see, knowledge is relative.’

‘er, i guess.’

‘so quit feeling like a cad and learn when you don’t know about something. that’s the best you can do and there’s no reason to feel badly for being ignorant to something.’

Look over at Satan. Satan fiddles with gun, shoots big toe. Faints.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘a while ago, i ate my very first oyster!’

‘you’re not accomplished in the art of the smooth transition.’

‘huh?’

‘oh nothing. so how was your very first oyster?’

‘it tasted like viral infection.’

‘excuse me?’

‘you know…a viral infection.’

‘yes, i’m aware of what a viral infection is. i’m not sure what that has to do with an oyster.’

‘well, when you have a viral infection and your nose is starting to run and you don’t have kleenex handy you snort and then you get this glob of shit in the back of your mouth.’

‘uh?’

‘well, that’s what the oyster tasted like.’

‘moving right along. how’s everything else in your life?’

‘i went to a lesbian wedding a few weeks ago.’

‘oh, that sounds nice.’

‘it was. it made me realize i’m old and well…not married.’

‘would you like to be married some day? because i thought we were focusing on just keeping a girl around for more than a few months.’

‘yeah, i guess the small steps are the wisest right now. but i think marriage is pretty cool. it’s the catholic school girl in me.’

‘you’re atheist.’

‘i like christmas and giving up something for lent as much as the next guy.’

‘whatever floats your boat.’

Look over at Satan. Satan staples big toe back on foot.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘thanks for making me feel better.’

‘angela. you are who you are. can you be a thoughtless, inappropriate dolt? yes. but you care and are kind and usually have the best intentions. don’t be so hard on yourself.’

‘did you just call me a dolt?’

‘yes.’

‘1950 called, they want their outdated term back…’

‘goodbye angela. it’s been a pleasure.’

 ‘bye therapist!’

'what's with the lip ring?'

'i put it back in.'

'yes, i see that. why?'

'you don't like it?'

'not really.'

'well, who cares what you think?'

'a few crazy people. but other than that, no one. what's new?'

'i'm starting to realize something.'

'being a cubs fan is always going to prove disappointing?'

'no.'

'sitting on an angle with only one butt cheek touching the bar toilet seat because you're too drunk to squat really isn't half as clean as you'd like to think it is?'

'no.'

'the joke you told me when you first sat down about an epileptic in the bath tub is really not funny?'

'no. what i'm starting to realize is that i'm my own problem.'

'please continue, this could be fascinating.'

'well, i've realized i need to take ownership of what is happening in my life. i make choices. i need to own up to them when they don't pan out to be very good ones.'

'instead of blaming something or someone else?'

'yeah.'

'well that's nice.'

'what's nice?'

'that you are taking responsibility for your lot in life. what brought you to this...umm, realization?'

'lots of time to think.'

'and lots of mistakes?'

'yeah, kinda.'

'well, that's often the best way to learn something.'

'do you really think the epileptic joke wasn't funny?'

'angela, what about me in all the years you've known me would make you think i'd laugh at a joke about a neurological disorder?'

'because it was funny.'

'it wasn't.'

'fine. whatever. so i have a pub crawl with the lesbians tomorrow.'

'you don't like beer.'

'no. i don't'

'how are you going to participate in a pub crawl if you're not drinking?'

'i'm drinking. just not beer.'

'are you going to have a martini at each stop?'

'yeah. i think i'll be good until bar number 6.'

'i think you're giving yourself too much credit and i hope you find a designated driver...or sleep in a bush outside the last bar.'

'i think i've been practicing alcoholism for several months now and i'm all trained up.'

'ok angela. suit yourself. but when you're hovering over a bar toilet with one butt cheek touching the seat - and you will be - remember this...you're soaking up germs.'

'thanks a lot.'

'you're welcome.'

'how was your zombie run whatever this weekend?'

'muddy. there was mud everywhere.'

'everywhere?'

'yes. in my bra, my ears, my butt crack, my nose, my vagina, my....'

'angela.'

'what?'

'i get that there was mud everywhere.'

'so much mud that it sucked your shoes off.'

'that doesn't sound like fun to me.'

'it wasn't really a run so much as a trudge.'

'interesting.'

'with intermittent bursts of sprinting when a zombie hoarde ran out from the woods. there was so much mud that it took us an hour and a half to finish.'

'is that a long time for a 5k?'

'it should only take a half an hour.'

'that's a lot of mud.'

'yes.'

'sounds miserable. should you be trudging with a viral infection?'

'i don't think so.'

'so?'

'i paid seventy five dollars to trudge in that mud. the viral infection was coming along for the ride.'

'i see. how are you feeling today?'

'a little sore. you know those stabalizing muscles that you use when you're like...walking on ice or like...through mud?'

'you say "like" a lot.'

'yeah, but those muscles...you know them?'

'the ones you only use once every 8 years?'

'yes those. they hurt.'

'uh-huh.'

'and my lungs feel like they're under water.'

'because they are.'

'right.'

'do you think you'll do another one in the future?'

'yeah...i don't think so. maybe like, something geared more towards the pavement.'

'that might be a good idea.'

'considering i'm almost 40?'

'well yes, and because you tend to have accidents. the less obsticles the better for you i believe. your sister and her friend were here to do it with you weren't they?'

'yeah, we had a really nice girls weekend.'

'that's nice. and how's everything else?'

Shrug.

'what, no dating talk?'

'can you date more than one person at a time?'

'i'm married, so i think that would be frowned upon.'

'i meant if you weren't married.'

'well, if memory serves, no. i didn't do that.'

'too hard to keep your stories straight?'

'exactly. why do you ask?'

'no reason.'

'that's a lie. but i'll give you time to screw up the courage to talk more about it later.'

'er, thanks.'

'our time is up. congratulations on the zombie trudge and remember to drink lots of water and rest.'

'uh, thanks.'

'and angela...'

'yes?'

'don't think so much.'