me vs. therapy

'so angela, how is the new year treating you?'

'i haven't been arrested yet.'

'all-in-all not a bad way to start it out then.'

'that's what i thought.'

'did you make any resolutions?'

'yeah.'

'well?'

'i'm going to save for new boobs because mine are going to deflate here in a few years.'

'oh that's right you have implants. they fail?'

'i guess eventually. the surgeon was kind of vague on that point and i didn't press him since i didn't really want to talk myself out of getting them.'

'you're not much for practical.'

'that's for sure. you know what?'

'what?'

'chics just don't seem to be impressed with my boobs.'

'maybe that's because they come equipped with their very own.'

'maybe. but just once in a while i'd like a compliment.'

'i'm pretty sure boob aesthetics is something most women aren't concerned with. besides, from what i remember you told me that you acquired them for you, not for anyone else's opinion.'

'yeah i did. but a lot of people also acquire clothes for themselves too. that doesn't mean they wouldn't like to hear a compliment about their burnt sienna sweater vest.'

'you took color theory in college.'

'aced it.'

'uh-huh. well, don't hold your breath on the breasts. what else is new?'

'i've met a lot of donkeys on that online dating site you told me to avoid.'

'hmm. great. how's that going?'

'it's interesting actually. they all want to be friends.'

'before or after they meet you?'

'what's that supposed to mean?'

'nothing. it was just a question.'

'liar. your left eyebrow goes up when you say nothing and are lying about it.'

'i think you're making that up.'

'oh no. i'm not. you're trying to make me think i'm not as smart as i really am. that's why you wear those glasses too.'

'yes angela. i don't wear them to see clearly i wear them to convince you you're not as smart as me.'

'your left eyebrow is still up.'

'i think this year we need to concentrate on having you concentrate during conversations.'

'you don't think i do?'

'angela i'm quite sure no one thinks you do.'

'oh. maybe that's why women don't want to date me.'

'or maybe it's because you call them donkeys. either that or they're afraid your boobs are going to explode.'

'that's not funny.'

'no one wants to be awash in saline.'

'you're hilarious.'

'i took improv at my university.'

'congratulations. what do i need to do to concentrate on the conversation.'

'your first step is going to be listening.'

Stare.

'very good.'

Stare.

'ok, the staring is a little scary. practice blinking once in awhile and we'll talk about how you did when we reconvene.'

Nod.

'blink angela.'

Blink.

‘why do you keep rubbing your hands?’

‘they’re sore.’

‘why are they sore…wait, don’t answ….’

‘they’re sore because i got the new call of duty.’

'i don’t understand.’

‘CALL OF DUTY!’

‘when you say it more forcefully, it doesn’t make me understand it any better.’

‘it’s only a video game that a brazillion people like.’

‘you mean a brazillion adolescent boys and you?’

‘yeah. whatever. so my hands are all cramped from playing it a lot.’

‘it’s good to know you’re happy. speaking of, how’s that girl?’

‘the one i thought was special?’

‘yes.’

‘she wasn’t.'

‘ah. what happened?’

‘she cancelled plans on me. again. this time at the last minute. on a friday night.’

‘was there a good reason?’

‘would being tired from a long work week and traveling be considered a good reason?’

‘i guess if the one being cancelled on buys it.’

‘well, i didn’t. you know, she did warn me in the beginning.’

‘warn you of what?’

‘she warned me that she needed time and space and understanding.’

‘yes angela lots of people say that. do you know why?’

‘uhh…’

‘they attach that disclaimer to their dating personality so they can get out of any guilt-inducing feelings when they don’t want to be a responsible party in the dating relationship.’

‘like, when they cancel plans on me?’

‘yes.’

‘like when they change plans on me?’

‘yes.’

‘like when they want to spend a long holiday weekend with their ex in virginia instead of with me and they can’t bring me with because the ex doesn’t enjoy feeling like a third wheel?’

‘you didn’t tell me about that.’

‘i didn’t? odd.’

‘uh-huh. i think you didn’t tell me on purpose.’

‘because you would have yelled at me?’

‘i don’t yell. i would have made some suggestions.’

‘you’re a vegetarian aren’t you?’

‘why do you ask?’

‘because vegetarians suggest.’

‘she was a vegetarian wasn’t she?’

‘yes. she suggested a lot of things. like i turn the water off when i brush my teeth. like i use sawdust for the litter box. like i brush my cats more than once a month. like i consider not using a scrubby in the shower. like i…’

‘why shouldn’t you use a scrubby in the shower?’

‘i really can’t remember. probably because i was picturing her naked while she was suggesting it to me.’

‘you know what i don’t understand, angela?’

‘why i leave the water on while i brush my teeth?’

‘no. i don’t understand why you continue to break your dating rules.’

‘i start out just bending them.’

‘yes, and then the depressed girl who hates her mother and is full of suggestions is all of a sudden in charge of your heart. not a good place for your heart to be.’

‘fine. i’ll work on my boundaries.’

‘good. work on spending less time on video games while you’re at it.’

‘was that a suggestion?’

‘never mind.’

Satan blinks.

Raise arms in victory, Satan feigns disinterest.

Therapist opens door, walks in, sits down.

Says; ‘good to see you smiling.’

‘i just won a game. i like winning.’

‘words with friends?’

‘no. who-will-blink-first with satan.’

‘ah, yes. that’s nice. so, how was your weekend? i remember that you were going to have a visitor.’

‘yeah, an old friend from michigan came out.’

‘lesbian?’

‘yes.’

‘former fling?’

‘no.’

‘i’d snort that you’re lying but you don’t have your lying expression on so i believe you.’

‘not all lesbian friends are ex’s.’

‘yes they are.’

‘and i don’t have a lying expression.’

‘yes you do.’

Scowl. Say; ‘we had a great time. it felt really good to have someone out here that knows my history because they were a part of it, not just because i’ve told them about it.’

‘it’s a comforting feeling, having those you are close to experience your new surroundings.’

‘yeah. it makes me feel fuzzy.’

‘feeling fuzzy is nice. what else is going on, because you have your something-else-is-going-on expression on.’

‘do you work for the CIA?’

‘no.’

‘good, because you shouldn’t. nothing else is going on.’

‘you’re seeing the girl who wasn’t ready to date again aren’t you?’

‘no.’

‘angela?’

Look over at Satan. Satan stares.

Stare back.

Satan stares.

Stare back.

Satan stares.

Stare back.

Satan blinks.

Raise hands in victory, whoop audibly.

Satan raises middle finger, sneers.

Smile.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘ok, yeah but only sort of.’

‘sort of as in when she wants to hang out?’

‘kind of.’

‘kind of sounds a lot like sort of.’

‘maybe.’

‘maybe what? are you getting your needs met?’

‘well, i get to do what i want…’

‘so you continue to go to work, jog after work, cook dinner, play video games then watch either a netflix movie or a netflix tv show, shower, surf the web and go to bed?’

‘it sounds so trivial when you put it like that.’

‘doesn’t it? maybe you should volunteer.’

‘maybe you should paddle your own canoe.’

‘does canoe have any innuendo tied to it?’

‘no.’

Therapist writes in notebook.

Say; ‘what are you writing?’

‘client reaches milestone.’

‘i don’t get it.’

‘it’s ok. since it’s my notebook, you don’t need to.’

‘i’m happy with where i’m at. it just took a little discomfort to realize it.’

‘meaning, at first you were irritated by the prospect of having to wait for yet another immature woman while they flailed about trying to figure out their process. but, upon further reflection realized that this is one of the first individuals that has shown any real introspective qualities and has a fairly reasonable sense of self-awareness. therefore, instead of not getting what you want initially and slashing and burning yet another person out of your life, you decided to set aside your childish and selfish ways and give this one respect and some time to see if it actually pans out because you feel that she actually has potential with you and isn’t just giving you some lame run around in an attempt to let you down easy?’

‘can you say that again...or like…write it down?’

Therapist blinks.

'how are you?'

'i'm alone.'

'oh no. what happened, you two were getting along so well.'

'she's not ready to date.'

'didn't you meet on a dating site?'

Blank stare.

'oh geez. angela, i'm sorry. this seems to happen to you a lot.'

'8 times actually.'

'really?'

'no, it's more than that. but, i only started keeping count 8 times ago.'

'well, i guess the only good thing about this is...'

'i don't have to buy her a christmas gift.'

'ok, so the second good thing about this is...'

'i don't have to shave.'

'the third good thing about this is, you've been through it before and can handle the circumstance a lot better than you used to.'

'gee, awesome.'

'i know it hurts and you think it's easy for me to say.'

'it's no sweat, really. i mean i've been wanting to catch up on my online gaming anyway. and boy...i sure have a lot of netflix in my queue to watch.'

'that's the spirit. how much ice cream have you gone through?'

'i keep the indian gas stations ben and jerry's supply truck pretty busy, let's just put it that way.'

'at least you're supporting your local businessmen.'

'they hand me tissue now when i pay.'

'that's almost funny.'

'it kind of is, especially since it's true.'

'what else is new?'

'i wore a tie to work friday.'

'ok. umm, i don't really know what question to ask after that statement.'

'how about, "why did you wear a tie to work, angela". '

'why did you wear a tie to work?'

'you forgot the angela. i wore a tie because i bought it the day before at the goodwill store for a dollar thirty. then, i went home and layed out a nice dress shirt, a vest and my tie over the top of it. i was very proud of actually planning out my outfit the night before so i didn't walk into work like a thoughtless cad.'

'like you usually do?'

'yes.'

'so?'

'so i walked into work and all the guys fell over.'

'is that right?'

'yes. i guess ties on girls are attractive. so, in light of all the attention i won't be wearing a tie to work again.'

'was it that bad?'

'yeah. it really was. i'd rather be an unnoticed slob.'

'i don't know, i think that look is creative and fun. you should go with it. and since when have you ever shyed away from attention?'

'i don't like guys attention when it comes from old married men that leer.'

'yes you do.'

'ok fine. yes i do.'

'when is your friend from michigan coming?'

'wow, that was a quick subject change. it was like what i do.'

'yeah. confusing isn't it?'

'yes. umm, my friend arrives thursday. we are going to have a midwestern good time.'

'does that involve cow tipping?'

'are there cows in connecticut?'

'a few. how long have you lived here?'

'apparently just long enough to date almost all the eligible but not ready lesbians but just short of long enough to see a cow.'

'well, have fun with your friend. i can't wait to hear about it next time.

'thanks therapist.'

'hang in there, she's around the corner.'

'sure.'

'when i was young, peter and i would fish a lot. the little sunfish would always swallow the hook.'

'that's frustrating.'

'our thoughts exactly. after daintily removing the hooks from their throats with needle-nose pliers 200 times in the 90 degree heat, we got tired of being so patient.'

'so?'

'we let the line out of the rod and then swung the fish around our heads, hitting them against the 6 foot high seawall repeatedly until there was nothing left of the fish except the little piece of throat still clinging to the hook it swallowed.'

'that's fairly disgusting.'

'you know, now that i look back i'd have to agree with you. at the time, we thought we were geniuses. and the cats liked us a lot.'

'ok. what does this story have to do with you being patient?'

'i was illustrating how i used to be really impatient. and now, i'm not impatient.'

'you were 10. 10-year olds are impatient. i know that may come as a suprise to you. but it's true.'

'so what are you trying to say, i haven't really learned patience through the years, i just grew up?'

'yes.'

'i know some grown ups who don't have any patience.'

'i'm sure you do. starting with the one in the mirror.'

'you're funny.'

'i'm right. so this girl you're dating thinks you have patience. why do you think that is?'

'because i'm taking it slow.'

'really slow?'

'well, i don't know about really slow. but slow for me.'

'ah, good. so you finally learned from your past 25 failed relationships where you practically ran blindly into whoevers arms you found appealing only to find they stepped aside at the last moment and let you take a dive off the cliff?'

'yeah. that's about right.'

'great. i'm glad to hear that. how's it feel?'

'it feels painful somedays. easy others.'

'painful like you're a fish getting repeatedly slammed up against a seawall or painful like you're a fish getting the hook you swallowed gingerly removed with needlenose pliers?'

'uhh.' Look over at Satan. Satan squints hard, shrugs.

Look back at therapist, say; 'the later.'

'i'm proud of you. i'm so proud that i'm writing this in my notes.'

'hey, do i ever get a copy of those notes?'

'no.'

'but why not?'

'because they're my notes.'

'but they're about me.'

'but i'm writing them.'

'but you wouldn't have anything to write if i weren't here.'

'but...' Therapist swings seat around, points to diplomas on wall, says; 'all my doctorates and degrees on the wall say i'm smarter than you. so what i say goes.'

'but that's not fair.'

'neither is being smashed up against a seawall until all that's left of you is a small piece of throat.'

'so what football team are you rooting for this season?'

'that's what i thought.