me vs. therapy

‘what’s new?’

‘i went over to white pony’s farm the other day.’

'is this the same white pony whom you’ve tried to ride for over 3 years, got to briefly pet a year ago, thought you'd get to own, only to have her start giving another admirer exclusive rights to rides in her saddle all the while keeping you hanging around the barn yard with occasional flicks of her tail?’

‘that’s a lot of metaphor. but yes…i think.’

'i thought we weren’t going to pet white pony anymore.’

‘i didn’t touch her.’

‘ok, what did you do?’

‘we talked. then she casually brought up a touchy subject that may or may not have had something to do with giving another rider sporadic forays on her saddle when the owner is out of town.’

‘of course you thought that meant she wanted you in the saddle so you offered up your riding skills, were turned down and are now in my office mystified by what happened?’

‘yes. she’s good.’

‘that’s because she’s a manipulator.’

‘yeah?’

‘you’re a manipulator.’

‘so?’

‘but not a great one. you will be outclassed everytime.’

‘i don’t get it.’

‘you have two choices when confronted with another manipulator. engage in a manipulative power struggle or walk away.’

‘i never walk away.’

‘naturally, because you’re also narcissistic and couldn’t imagine a world where you lose at something. although anyone would know that you’re both actually losing because you’re both manipulators and being a manipulator is inherently a losing behavior.’

Look over at Satan. Satan shrugs.

Look back at therapist, say: ‘why do i manipulate?’

‘there are several reasons to choose from, in your case i think it’s a combination of two. for fun and to gain control.’

‘i don’t think in this instance i’m gaining control.’

‘no, you are not.’

‘but i want to.’

‘no, angela you really don’t.’

‘why not?’

‘because much like monopoly, risk or candyland…’

‘ooo, i love candyland!’

‘...it’s a game. but it’s not a game that either of you will ever win. you’ll just continue to push and pull back and forth wasting time and energy.’

‘i’m never going to bang her am i?’

‘i can’t say never. but do you really want it badly enough that you’re willing to engage in this behavior with her indefinitely?’

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head affirmative.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘yes.’

‘really?’

Look over at Satan. Satan shakes head affirmative.

Frown. Look back at therapist, sigh, say; ‘no.’

‘good. then move on. and i mean really this time. like take the pony to the back 40, shoot it and then bury all the parts. probably in different locations so you can never assemble them again.’

‘thank you for not yelling at me.’

‘oh angela, yelling at you is what you have friends for. since i get paid for listening to your stupid mistakes, i have to take a more measured approach.’

‘that’s like a nice way of saying i’m dumb.’

‘i wouldn’t say dumb. i’d say you tend to make the same mistakes. repeatedly.’

‘so, dumb.’

‘if you insist.’

'all i said was "you sound angry, but i really like the tone in your voice right now. it's kinda turnin' me on".'

'and then?'

'i heard a click.'

'really?'

'well, no. i'm lying. the phone didn't really click because it's a cell phone and what cell phones actually make a click when you hang them up? it was more like in the movies when the girl is in a home all alone at night and the creepy killer caller says he's going to kill her and then you hear like....a dead silence. that's more or less what it sounded like.'

'your clarification, however unnecessary, was well done.'

'thanks. so, that means she's not happy with me huh?'

'hmm, well usually angela, when someone hangs up on me...i figure they might not want to talk to me. for awhile.'

'yeah. but, you see i was lightening the tension with humor.'

'yeah. but, you see not everyone needs the tension lightened.'

'oh...i get it. sort of.'

'maybe you should try and be more compassionate when it comes to others feelings.'

Blank stare.

Look over at Satan. Satan blank stares back.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i'm compas....'

'no.'

'but, yes i ....'

'you're not at all.'

'bu...'

'stop. you're not.'

'you can't keep cutting me o...'

'yes i can.'

'i'm paying!'

'oh no angela....i'm paying. believe me.'

'well, that's just crap. i do nice stuff for people.'

'yes, you do. as long as you're going to get something out of it....like ice cream, attention, sex, a martini, satisfaction, an ego boost....'

'are you done?'

'not really no. but i guess the list could be endless, so i'll just stop there.'

'did one of my exs write you a letter or something?'

'angela. what you have to realize is this. not everyone takes most situations as lightheartedly as you do. especially when it comes to their feelings and heart and soul.'

Look over at Satan. Satan looks confused.

Look back at therapist, say; 'whatever. you might be right.'

'yes. i might be. next time, instead of chiming in with a funny quipe, listen instead.'

'that's not fun.'

'is being single fun?'

'yes.'

'you're just saying that to contradict me.'

'yes.'

'stop doing it.'

'yes.'

'angela.'

'yes.'

'don't say yes anymore.'

'ok.'

'don't start saying ok to everything either.'

'i hate that you know me.'

'sometimes i do too.'

'he was a nice man. kind of little, nerdy looking thing. but soft spoken.'

'why are we talking about your gynocologist in kalamazoo, michigan?'

'i don't know. you asked me if i'd thought of kalamazoo lately. that's what came to my mind.'

'why?'

'do you really want to know that?'

'probably not.'

'because i won't tell you if you really don't want to know.'

'no you won't. continue.'

'well, i was sitting in the bathroom at work today...'

'ok, stop.'

'...and while there i was humming and then it occured to me that i should get rid of my tampon because i'm pretty sure i was close to the 8 hour expiration time and i don't want toxic shock syndrome because it sounds pretty scary when you read about it on the back of the tampon box.'

'fascinating.'

'so, i did that and then i flashed to a scene in my gyno's office back in kalamazoo.'

'i have no idea why this is going where it's going...'

'quit interrupting, you wanted to know.'

'actually, i remember saying i didn't.'

'so...i was in my gyno's office.'

'uh-huh.'

'and he pulled out the duck bill thing.'

'known in educated circles as a speculum.'

'aren't you the big man on campus for knowing that...'

Therapist smiles.

Say; 'anyway. he pulled out the speculum and a tube of ky jelly and i crawled up the table away from him. and he gives me the "scoot down please". and i gave him the "no".'

'you've been through this before, i don't understand the problem?'

'the problem is that shit is nasty and i refuse to have it anywhere near my cave of mystery.'

'did you  just call your vagina a cave of mystery?'

'it's not funny.'

'yeah, it really is.'

'quit laughing.'

'does your mother read your blog?'

'yeah, go ahead, laugh it up. make fun of the gay girl.'

'the gay girl with the cave of mystery you mean?'

'so, i'll just go ahead and ignore you now and continue with my story.'

'no, no...i'm sorry. i'll stop. let me ask you this....why the aversion to ky jelly?'

'because, when you get ky jelly shoved up there it eventually gets warmed up...and then it starts coming out, like right about the time you're on that date with the hot girl that works at the cafe you've been going to for a year and then finally asked out...'

'i see.'

'it's disgusting. i told him i'll take it like a man and go without.'

'taking it like a man would involve a completely different cave of mystery...did he get it right?'

'you know, next time you ask me a question about how my thoughts got from there to here i'm not disclosing anything real to you because you just laugh at me.'

'well, i was with you angela...until the cave of mystery comment.'

'thanks. you've just crushed my heart.'

'i seriously doubt it. i think you might be a little sensitive lately given the most recent breakup with the goat.'

'maybe. hey, i have a new date looming on the horizon.'

'really? well, that's great news. tell me about her.'

'i can't.'

'ahh, she knows about your blog i take it.'

'yes. the request was made not to include her in it.'

'something you should respect.'

'of course...at least until i get sex.'

'you're not getting sex now.'

'shit, you're probably right.'

'i'm always right. and on that note, let me advise you as one who is always right not to refer to your special place as the cave of mystery.'

'fine.'

'at least not with new donkeys.'

'fine, i get it.'

'alright, i just wanted to make sure. have a great weekend.'

'quit laughing.'

'so, how are things?'

'things suck.'

'i guess that's better than "fine".'

'sure.'

'why do things suck?'

'i got dumped.'

'what do you mean you got dumped? when were you dating someone?'

'since new years.'

'and why haven't you told me about this girl. er, it is a girl right?'

'yes. and because i figured that i'd get dumped. so why go through the same process i always go through with you. again. and why bore the blog readers with the same stupid fucking story...again.'

'i see. so, you meet a girl...figure it's not going to work out from the get-go, don't tell me about her because you're certain of the outcome, then the outcome you envisioned happens and at that point you decide to tell me. and your readers'

'correct.'

'that's the stupidist thing i've heard you say in a long time. maybe even ever.'

'you know...i'm paying you. aren't you, like...supposed to be nice to me. or even just try a semblence of nice even if you don't want to be?'

'one might think that. but no. tell me about her.'

'no.'

'ok. do it anyway.'

'i don't want to.'

'i can sit here and stare at you for the rest of our hour together writing random notes that you can't see all the while driving you crazy because you can't stand it when i write notes that you can't see, or you can tell me about the girl. what's it going to be?'

'she was nice. she had a job, a house a car an aptitude for being normal. she didn't drink too much, didn't smoke, obeyed all traffic laws. probably had a good credit score. she had a nice smile, and was funny and she smelled pretty. i didn't so much like her taste in kitchen tables but that could have eventually been ironed out to my favor.'

'sounds like a keeper.'

'yes, well one would think. i however don't get to keep keepers very long for some reason that continues to escape me.'

'why'd she dump you?'

Shrug.

Look over at Satan. Satan shrugs.

Look back at therapist.

Say; 'lots of reasons were given, most of which i don't remember, since at the moment they were being given i was having 'nam-like flashbacks of girlfriends past.'

'i see. so, you interpreted her reasons as being the same as everyones before her?'

'yes.'

'why?'

'because all her reasons sounded the exact same as the ones i'd heard from others ex's. and none of them really matter.'

'why don't reasons matter to you?'

'because at the end of the day, you're still dumped.'

'well, you have a point.'

'really?'

'sure.'

'but, you never agree with me.'

'no, not really. but your sad, puppy dog eyes framed by those crows feet are making me have some pity.'

'you're the worst therapist i've ever met.'

'there's a smile behind that comment.'

'no there's not. shut up.'

'yes there is, i see the light in your eyes. which are framed by those crows feet...'

'you're stupid. i quit you.'

'you tried that last time. now stop it. what are you going to do moving forward?'

'well, i thought about that while i was blubbering in the shower.'

'and?'

'and i figured blubbering in the shower wasn't going to do much for me.'

'since it never has before?'

'right. so, i decided i could blubber for 2 more minutes.'

'and then?'

'and then i decided i'm going to quit eating shit food and that i'm going to run a lot more and that i'm going to be nicer to my cats. and that i should probably write a blog because that would make me happier.'

'has it worked?'

'no, it's really quite a boring blog so far.'

'what do you think you need to make it less boring?'

'a good zinger from my shrink might do it.'

'i'm all out of zingers since the bears lost.'

'yeah, that sucked huh?'

'almost as much as your luck with girls.'

'that was almost a zinger.'

'i didn't even try. score one for me.'

'thanks for the chat.'

'anytime.'

'bye therapist.'

'bye angela.'