me vs. therapy

'remember that time we talked about me turning down that great job in connecticut?'

'considering it was last week, yes.'

'umm, well...i kinda called them back and accepted.'

'and then they laughed at you and hung up.'

'yes.'

'really?'

'no. they told me i was crazy and that's just the kind of person they're looking for.'

'uh-huh. so you finally got your backbone thing straightened out and you're moving out of rhode island.'

'ahhh, yes. one battle won.'

'but a war yet to wage.'

'what was that?'

'nothing. so, that's exciting.'

'yes, it is. i'm really nervous because i have this complex about failing.'

'you'll do fine.'

'that's the easy line everyone says.'

'ok, well...life is hard, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. try not to pee or drool on yourself and most likely you'll come out ahead.'

'wow. so that didn't sound much better.'

'you'll take what you can get.'

'oh, are we talking about dating now? cause that's what it sounds like.'

Therapist smiles. Look over at satan. satan gives thumbs down.

Look back at therapist, therapist says; 'how is the dating life?'

Blink.

Therapist blinks back.

Blink. say; 'yeah...that's about it.'

'hmm...well, i'm sure things will pick up now that you'll be living in the big city.'

'and if they don't?'

'you have higher buildings to leap from.'

'awesome.'

'well, i can't wait to hear about the new job next visit. until then....'

'don't pee myself?'

'yes...don't pee yourself and try not to tell any of those jokes that you think are funny.'

'but they are.....ok, they're not. got it.'

'good. see you later, gator.'

'bye toots!'

‘so there i was, standing in front of the build-a-bear animal wall.’

‘i’m sure the decision took at least 45 minutes.’

’15.’

‘that’s a lie.’

’25. anyway, i decided on the tried and true basic bear.’

‘how long ago was this?’

'umm, this was the farmer girl donkey so what's that....08?'

'if memory serves....ok, go on...'

‘well, i took it to the stuff-it girl and handed her my handmade note.’

‘you hand wrote a note?’

‘yeah. i picked out some of that heavy, cotton weaved paper at a specialty store.’

‘what did the note say?’

‘i’m not saying.’

‘you should tell your therapist everything.’

‘really? you want to know about my semi-serious therapist fantasies?’

‘so she stuffed your bear.’

‘yes, but not all the way. i wanted my bear floppy and worn looking.she takes the note, frowns oddly, stuffs it in his butt and fills it with poof.’

Look over at Satan, Satan ashes cigar, looks bored.

Look back at therapist. She says; ‘and then….’

‘i grabbed it, picked up a bow from the hallmark store, smashed it on his head and took it to the airport and gave it to the girl when she landed.’

‘that’s really quite lovely, but what’s the point?’

‘we got in a fight 3 weeks later, she ripped the bear apart, poof went everywhere, the note fell out, she read it, then threw the whole shebang in the garbage.’

‘right in front of you?’

‘right in front of me.’

‘that note must have been offensive.’

‘no. not at all, very much the opposite. she was just a cold, fucking bitch.’

‘your favorite.’

‘don’t i know it.’

‘will this incident make you rethink romantic, thoughtful gestures in the future?’

‘well, i don’t want it to, but how can it not? i mean, she basically smashed my heart.’

‘and your bear.’

‘yeah, i feel bad for the bear. he was a pretty awesome bear.’

Fish rolls eyes, poops.

‘you have a strange attachment to inanimate things.’

‘hey, you can’t pull that one out this time. you have to see the symbolism in the bear ripping.’

‘she was angry, i don’t see symbolism, just fury.’

‘fine, suit yourself, but i’m sticking with symbolism.’

‘uh-huh. ok, so what else?’

‘one time, i shoved a rose in her door while she was away on business.’

‘that’s nice.’

‘i’m not done. see, she was dating several girls at the time, so i put a michigan quarter in the petals so she’d know who it was from.’

‘because you're from michigan but were in connecticut and the quarter would stand out?’

‘yes.’

‘hmmm.’

‘what?’

‘do you find it odd that you had to identify whom the rose was from?’

‘no. i find it odd that she used the quarter to buy some gum later that night.’

‘maybe…and this is just a suggestion….in the future….if you have to stamp your name on a gift to let the receiver know it’s from you and not some other girl in a line of hussies, you should discontinue the dating relationship.’

‘what about when she rips open stuffed animals?’

‘that might be a good sign too. what did the note say?’

‘i don’t want the readers to know.’

‘write it down.’

‘hey, good idea.’

Look over at Satan. Satan scribbles note, holds it out.

Grab note, hand it to therapist.

Therapist sighs.

Say; ‘what?’

‘nothing.’

‘what?’

‘that was a nice note.’

‘so you were driving?’

‘yes. and as the driver it was my responsibility to crack the whip.’

‘i don’t understand what crack the whip means?’

‘well, basically…if you’re pulling someone on a rope you cut a turn in your respective vehicle quickly swinging said person on the rope out on a sharp arc.’

‘and this makes them fall off i assume.’

‘more often than not. it's kind of the point.’

‘and this is fun?’

‘where did you grow up, the soviet union. yes, it’s fun.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘so anyway, commrade. there i am driving the snowmobile….’

Look over at Satan. Satan wears ski goggles and snowmobile helmet while reading usa today.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘and peter was tied up right behind me on the little, red plastic sled.’

‘is this going somewhere?’

‘it’s funny, quite interrupting. and my sister was tied up right after peter and she was on the ginormous, purple sled with the hand brakes on the sides. the thing must have weighed 45 pounds. i’m not even joking. we called it grimace, no one ever wanted to ride in it.’

‘well, of course not, it was big and purple, that's gay.’

‘no kidding, who wants a gay sled?’

‘kids don’t like gay sleds.’

‘yeah.’

‘go on….’

‘well, it’s snowing like a bitch and we’re out in the middle of the lake on the ice so the wind is whipping around too.’

‘because that’s where children should be.’

‘i know, right…especially on snowmobiles that go 85 miles an hour.’

‘uh-huh, so you all fell through?’

‘no. i was all excited because we’d just finished building a giant snow jump and i was about to crack the whip right over it.’

Therapist shakes head in disbelief.

Say; ‘i hit the gas, turn the handle bars and they both fly out towards the jump.’

‘someone is breaking something…..’

‘peter hits the jump first, flips out of the little, red plastic sled, falls off and lands on the ice.’

‘what a surprise.’

‘then my sister, who at this point is sailing through the air in grimace starts coming back to earth….right towards peter’.

‘where were your parents?’

‘shoveling the driveway i think….which is how we all escaped.’

‘didn’t they hear you leave with the snowmobile?’

‘we were very sneaky back then.’

‘not much has changed.’

‘so my sister’s eyes are all big, peter wets his snowsuit and by the time i figured this probably wasn’t a good idea my sister and grimace slammed to the ground….’

‘brakes and all?’

‘brakes and all…..onto peter.’

‘that’s great.’

‘yeah it looked painful, but he made a good 2nd jump for my sister.’

‘was he ok?’

‘after he stopped crying, he seemed fine.’

‘fantastic.’

‘all around, a pretty fun day.’

‘and this was indicative of your childhood?’

‘pretty much, yeah.’

‘well, aside from the 120 hp snowmobile, perilous ice, raging snowstorm and grimace sled, i’d say all-in-all a good time.’

‘yeah, it was awesome. sometimes, when i’m sitting in my cubicle i think about….’

‘donkeys.’

‘those too...no! the good times i had when i was young.’

‘that can cure a bad day in just a few minutes.’

‘you know what else can cure a bad day in a few minutes.’

‘if it’s something about me, my clothes, my smile, my breasts, my nakedness or dinner…..i don’t want to know.’

‘but…..’

‘no butts either.’

Frown.

Therapist smiles.