me vs. therapy

....'and then i told her that i didn't love her anymore.'

'that was brave of you, many people don't have the courage to be honest if it will bring sadness to someone else.'

'screw brave. i'm never doing that again....she bawled for 3 months straight while i was stuck living there.....how do you cry for 3 months straight?'

Look over at Satan....Satan shrugs....look back at therapist.

Therapist says: 'grieving is an individual process, there is no time table.'

Stare with mouth slacking....say: 'we only dated for 4 months.'

'you did move out here with her, didn't you?'

'that's not the point....hey look, flipper has more dookie hanging out of his butt.'

'ignore the fish.'

'well, ok....but it's going to be hard with that much poop hanging off his ass.'

'have you heard of freud's stages of development....in particular the anal fixation stage?'

Point excitedly at fish bowl....say: 'look, look....it's almost as long as the entire bowl now!'

'angela.'

'geez, that must hurt...'

'angela!'

'huh?'

'let's redirect to the period after you fell out of love with donkey #7'.

'i was never really in love.'

'i see. why then did you commit to a relationship with this person?'

'she agreed with everything i said.'

'...and?'

'....uh......she bought me diet coke?'

Look over at Satan....Satan nods, gives thumbs up.

Look back at therapist.....

Therapist looks unimpressed...writes note.

'you're not writing something about patient deflecting are you?'

'no.'

'are you writing about how hot the patient is?'

'no.'

'how about patient is an asshole?'

'maybe.'

Satan sniggers.

Therapist looks up, says: 'so you and donkey #7 broke up and then you were stuck out here all alone, is that correct?'

'yeah...it pretty much sucked.'

'life is difficult to navigate at times.'

'yes it is....usually my compass e-ffing breaks and i hit a coral reef and my boat sinks, then i end up...not on a beautiful, palm tree infested island...but in rhode fucking island.'

'you sound bitter?'

Look at Satan....Satan nods agreement.

Look back at therapist, say: 'not so much bitter, just confused.'

'about?'

'our sexual tension.'

'i can see how that would be confusing for you since you believe we have some and in reality we don't....now, stop deflecting.'

'i wasn't deflecting, i was trying to be brave despite the fact that it may bring sadness.'

'who would be sad?'

'well, you when i admit that despite the sexual tension we have....i couldn't commit to you in my broken emotional state.'

Smile.

Satan smiles.

Therapist frowns.

I say: 'i know you're just dying to smile....c'mon, it's in there......'

'i always look forward to our meetings angela....do you know why?'

'because you enjoy verbally setting me up so i can keep knocking them out of the park?'

'no....because you and i both know you're not emotionally broken.'

'we do?'

'yes, we do. it seems to me that you just want someone to talk to.'

'yeah...it's kind of nice. i think we should play bar trivia together too.'

'that's not going to happen.'

'what about watch Jeopordy together?'

'not likely.'

'poker tuesdays?'

'i'll see you next week.'

'at the bar?'

'goodbye angela.'

'bye therapist.'

Stare at goldfish.

Wonder if goldfish feels 3 inch trail of poop hanging from butt.

Look down at scarf.

Pick off balls of lint.

Hear footsteps.

Therapist walks in.

Sits down.

Stop picking lint balls.

Look up.

Say: 'you're never here waiting for me.'

'i'm sorry, by the end of the day...things tend to back up.'

'yeah, i think your goldfish has the same problem.'

Therapist looks at goldfish.

Looks at me.

Shrug.

Therapist shrugs.

Says: 'ok, so you had a homework assignment...'

'yes, i found that it sucked, i'm sure you planned it that way.'

'i wouldn't say planned, however...i guessed you would struggle somewhat.'

'thank you, my daily fight with life was getting rather boring so a good struggle is just what i needed.'

'i'll ignore your sarcasim and say, you're welcome...tell, me....how do you think you did?'

'overall, i believe i was successful....though, the not thinking about me when someone else was talking was painful....pain somewhat similar to what your goldfish is probably feeling.'

'behaving unselfishly can be difficult for people who are innately selfish.'

'i think you're trying to tell me something.....oh, hey your goldfish finally got rid of his trailer....'

'did you work on your distraction problem?'

'why, do i have one?'

'i believe you may.'

'may what?'

Therapist stares blankly. Says: 'ok, well i'd like you to continue working on those two items.'

'you're the boss.'

'now, what about the soulmate you were telling me about previously?'

'the one who makes me wait in her office, then sits and listens to me talk about myself then takes notes and looks at me disapprovingly but secretly wishes she could see me naked?'

'no, the one from michigan.'

'oh, her....yeah, she's got a rider but i still feed her.'

'is that a metaphor for she's dating someone but finding emotional support through you?'

'maybe.... if i say yes, then the people who read my blog will know too much about me and her.....'

'maybe posting a blog about your therapy sessions isn't a good idea.'

'i'm sure it's not but neither is your goldfish carrying around a 3 inch trail of poop, but he still does it.'

'angela, he's a fish.'

Blank stare.

Blank stare back.

Therapist sighs, says: 'it may be advisable for you to stop feeding the donkey of your dreams until she decides the rider doesn't....ride well.'

'yeah, but then who will i talk to?'

'your mom?'

'i like to keep my mom in the dark about who i really am.'

'your sister?'

'she'll tell my mom.'

'your aunt?'

'she'll tell everyone.'

'what about the donkey from Illinois?'

'the one i rode last year?'

'yes, you and her got along well, yes?'

'well, i thought so....but it turns out she just brayed a lot'

'she lied to you?'

'often.'

'so basically she was lame and you had to shoot her?'

'hey, you're pretty good at metaphors.'

'it's my life's work.'

'my life's work is taking care of donkeys....i'm ready to quit.'

'a change in career paths is a fantastic idea.'

'will you help me with my resume?'

'absolutely.'

'will you help me lie on it?'

'....angela.'

'fine.'

Pick at dry skin next to finger nail.

Pull.

Too far.

Stick finger in mouth.

Therapist walks in, shuts door.

Pull finger out of mouth.

Wipe wet finger on jeans.

Therapist sits down, smiles, says: 'how've you been since our last session?'

Boisterously say: 'GREAT!'

'you're exaggerating aren't you?'

Boisterously say: 'NO!'

'you know, i find that despite your complete lack of progress in our sessions...you always come prepared with a smile.'

'a smile and deflection!'

'right. so, we were going to talk more about past failed relationships.'

'yeah....that doesn't really sound like fun to me. can we talk about something else?'

'certainly. what is it that you'd like to talk about?'

'our sexual tension.'

'what else?'

'your inability to deal with your feelings for me.'

'i wouldn't be comfortable upsetting you in your fragile emotional state.'

'that's unsatisfactory.'

'you're parodying me'.

'true dat.'

'what if we focus our attention on your relationship with your parents. you'd mentioned anger with them for selling your childhood house on the lake 9 years ago'.

'yeah, that sucked'.

'what sucked about it?'

'they didn't ask me.'

'it was their house.'

'didn't you say this was my party?'

'that doesn't necessarily mean i'm going to coddle your feelings.'

'why am i paying you then?'

'to listen and guide you.'

'guide me where?''

'through life's turbulant waters, to a settled and comfortable place.'

'but i want to live on the lake.'

'that's not realistic.'

'neither is your obsession with me, but you still have it.'

'i don't have an obsession with you, angela.'

'lying to yourself won't help you on your journey to self-discovery'.

'true dat.'

'are you parodying me?'

Therapist blinks, says: 'of course not.'

'i think you are.'

'let's continue to talk about your parents...you have a good relationship with them, correct?'

'excellent....can we work on getting me natalie portman now?'

Therapist taps fingers on desk.

Writes notes.

Says: 'i'm going to give you a homework assignment...i'd like you to practice it over the next week before our next session.'

'does it involve natalie portman?'

'no.'

'does it involve our sexual tension?'

'no.'

'does it involve riding donkeys?'

'no.'

'can i just take a zero?'

'....angela.'

'ok.'

Flop on couch.

Lean head back, stare at ceiling.

Watch fan.

Pick one fan blade.

Watch one fan blade circle.

Get headache.

Stop watching one fan blade circle.

Therapist inquires:

‘are you ready to begin?’

Blink at ceiling fan.

Say: ‘recently, I find it hard to collect enough motivation to perform the smallest tasks.’

‘for instance?’

‘making it to the bathroom in time.’

Therapist raises eyebrow, says: ‘angela, I suspect you are beginning to use your deflection technique again.’

‘do you feel sexual tension too?’

‘no, I do not.’

‘oh….yeah, me neither.’

‘would you like to continue explaining about your lack of motivation?’

‘finding the motivation to talk about my lack of motivation is difficult.’

‘well, it’s your party…talk about whatever you’d like then.’

‘can we talk about our sexual tension?’

‘I’m afraid that would only last for 30 seconds.’

‘yeah, then you’d be all over me, huh?’

Another raised eyebrow: ‘tell me about your most recent failed relationship.’

‘….that was deflection.’

‘you are correct.’

Look up…..‘hummmm, my last failed relationship…..well…it kind of failed.’

‘I see…and why do you perceive it failed?’

‘it was the donkey’s fault.’

Therapist makes note, asks: ‘is the donkey a metaphor?’

‘perhaps.’

‘who’s the donkey?’

‘her.’

‘why is it the donkey’s fault.’

‘because the donkey didn’t know how to communicate that it didn’t want me riding it anymore.’

‘how did you discover there would be no more riding then?’

‘the donkey bucked me off.’

‘I see. How did that make you feel?’

‘somewhat sad.’

‘yes, I can understand that a sudden loss would bring sadness.’

‘yeah…and finding replacement donkey’s takes motivation.’

‘which you are short on.’

‘correct.’

‘however, I remember from our last session that you had mentioned you’ve been test driving several donkeys.’

‘yes, I find frequent bursts of motivation hit me, but the lasting effect is lacking.’

Therapist makes note, says: ‘I believe together we can reclaim quite abit of your motivation, for more than just donkey riding.’

‘sounds like sexual tension to me.’ Smile.

Therapist raises eyebrow, says: ‘there is no sexual tension, do you know why there is no sexual tension?’

‘because you’re deflecting?’

‘no, because this donkey already has a rider…..among other reasons.’

‘so you’re saying there’s a chance?’

Therapist sighs, says: ‘moving right along, I think next session wewill explore your past failed relationships further. For now…..work onjust grazing.’

‘no riding?’

‘no…..riding may give you blisters.’

‘that’s a metaphor huh?’

‘perhaps.’

Trudge to therapist.

Pull in parking spot, shoot heroin, throw needle in back seat, high five Satan, get out of car.

Walk in, fill out paperwork.

Escorted to empty, dark office.

Flop on couch.

Proceed to look bored.

Therapist walks in.

Narrow eyes.

Therapist begins with typical inane questions.

Answer with lackluster enthusiasm.

Therapist sighs, says: "this session will prove more fruit full if you answer honestly and directly"

say: Blank stare.

"you don't seem interested in confronting yourself."

Yawn.

"are you going to talk, or shall we end our time together."

"can we just get pizza and a beer together?"

"no, that would jeopardize my position as your therapist."

"what if i buy?"

"angela, i believe you are making jokes to hide your true nature."

"therapist, i believe you are correct. how about taco bell?"

Sigh...."sometimes, when we are afraid of getting hurt, we shield ourselves with jokes and deflection".

"or food...don't forget the food!"

"you're single aren't you?"

"i don't get it."

"listen, why don't you just start with an area that's been troubling you."

"well, ok....it itches a lot down here and whenever I scratch...., oh you mean mentally?"

Nod.

Sigh.

Recite drawn out description of recent and not so recent events that shaped personality disorder into monster-sized monkey on back.

Therapist nods, writes notes.

Sneakily peer over notebook to examine notes.

Therapist narrows eyes, shakes head.

Sit back, feel 10.

Wait for therapist's end of session assessment.

"it appears to me that you are not accepting the reality of thesituation. Instead focusing on time wasting activities that solvenothing and guarentee future disappointments."

"no shit? that's the same thing my mirror tells me every morning and it doesn't charge."

Therapist smiles.

Smile back.