me vs. therapy

‘what’s your problem?’

‘i’m glum.’

‘why are you glum?’

‘i just had a breakup.’

‘i didn’t know you were in a relationship.’

‘i wasn’t. well, i was, but not. i don’t understand it really.’

‘neither do i. you either were or you weren’t.’

‘we were but we weren’t committed.’

‘why weren’t you committed?’

‘she didn’t want to be committed. she told me from the start.’

‘ok. why did you stay? because from what i know of you, you like commitment. a lot. almost as much as you like oreos.’

‘i guess i stayed because i was hoping she’d fall in love with me and not want anyone else.’

‘i see. so you wanted her to change?’

‘no, not change. just only want me.’

‘which is a change.’

‘people change therapist! people think they don’t like onions. but then they grow older and one day they are at the chinese place and they order fried rice to go and a spring roll. and they take their fried rice home and open it up and put it in a bowl and flop down to watch a movie and find an onion in their fried rice and wow, is that onion really fucking good. i can’t believe i could go so long without eating onions. is this what they taste like? so good that i think i’m going to like onions from now on!’

‘you really think these things don’t you?’

‘why? am i crazy?’

‘i don’t like to use the word crazy.’

‘so what word do you like to use?’

‘that’s not really important right now. so, i assume she didn’t in fact like your onions?’

‘no. i guess not.’

‘angela. i know this is hard for you to understand because you’re blessed with this eternal welling of hopefulness. but, when someone says something, you kind of have to take them at their word.’

‘i know.’

‘do you? because while i understand that often people do change their mind about onions, you can’t be the one to shove one in their face and make them eat it.’

‘i understand.’

‘ok. well, i’m sorry about your glumness and i hope that you feel better soon.’

‘thank you.’

‘someone is going to want your onions angela. someday. Until then, enjoy your garden the way it is and maybe plant some more seeds.’

‘er.’

‘it’s a metaphor.’

‘i know. it’s just sometimes it takes me a while to get where you’re headed.’

‘i’ll give you a minute.’

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

‘i think i’ve got it now.’

‘good.’

iI’ll do my best therapist.’

‘i know, angela.

‘well, i don’t think that makes you a cretin necessarily. maybe just unaware.’

i feel like an asshole when someone looks at me with a frown because i don't know something.'

‘how you feel about something is how you feel about it. you have to ask yourself why would you feel like an asshole for not knowing who angela davis is.’

‘because after i looked into who she is i figured, as a woman, i should probably have known about her.’

‘you’re a white woman.’

‘yeah?’

‘from a small, republican michigan town.’

‘yeah?’

‘i think it’s safe to say that angela davis probably wouldn’t have come up in too many conversations growing up.’

‘i just feel like i don’t know a lot of things that i should know.’

‘how does a turbo charger function?’

‘it’s a forced induction device. it harnesses the energy from the engine exhaust to drive a compressor which produces more power in a efficient way.’

‘if you have a pot, a lid, a cup and a gallon of salt water, how do you make fresh water from it?’

‘put the cup in the middle of the pot, pour the salt water in the pot, put the lid on upside down and then boil it until the condensation from the boiling drips from the handle on the upside down lid into the glass.’

‘which side of a gun releases the safety feature?’

‘if you're holding it, the right side.’

‘you see, knowledge is relative.’

‘er, i guess.’

‘so quit feeling like a cad and learn when you don’t know about something. that’s the best you can do and there’s no reason to feel badly for being ignorant to something.’

Look over at Satan. Satan fiddles with gun, shoots big toe. Faints.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘a while ago, i ate my very first oyster!’

‘you’re not accomplished in the art of the smooth transition.’

‘huh?’

‘oh nothing. so how was your very first oyster?’

‘it tasted like viral infection.’

‘excuse me?’

‘you know…a viral infection.’

‘yes, i’m aware of what a viral infection is. i’m not sure what that has to do with an oyster.’

‘well, when you have a viral infection and your nose is starting to run and you don’t have kleenex handy you snort and then you get this glob of shit in the back of your mouth.’

‘uh?’

‘well, that’s what the oyster tasted like.’

‘moving right along. how’s everything else in your life?’

‘i went to a lesbian wedding a few weeks ago.’

‘oh, that sounds nice.’

‘it was. it made me realize i’m old and well…not married.’

‘would you like to be married some day? because i thought we were focusing on just keeping a girl around for more than a few months.’

‘yeah, i guess the small steps are the wisest right now. but i think marriage is pretty cool. it’s the catholic school girl in me.’

‘you’re atheist.’

‘i like christmas and giving up something for lent as much as the next guy.’

‘whatever floats your boat.’

Look over at Satan. Satan staples big toe back on foot.

Look back at therapist, say; ‘thanks for making me feel better.’

‘angela. you are who you are. can you be a thoughtless, inappropriate dolt? yes. but you care and are kind and usually have the best intentions. don’t be so hard on yourself.’

‘did you just call me a dolt?’

‘yes.’

‘1950 called, they want their outdated term back…’

‘goodbye angela. it’s been a pleasure.’

 ‘bye therapist!’