me vs. therapy

'how are you?'

'i'm alone.'

'oh no. what happened, you two were getting along so well.'

'she's not ready to date.'

'didn't you meet on a dating site?'

Blank stare.

'oh geez. angela, i'm sorry. this seems to happen to you a lot.'

'8 times actually.'

'really?'

'no, it's more than that. but, i only started keeping count 8 times ago.'

'well, i guess the only good thing about this is...'

'i don't have to buy her a christmas gift.'

'ok, so the second good thing about this is...'

'i don't have to shave.'

'the third good thing about this is, you've been through it before and can handle the circumstance a lot better than you used to.'

'gee, awesome.'

'i know it hurts and you think it's easy for me to say.'

'it's no sweat, really. i mean i've been wanting to catch up on my online gaming anyway. and boy...i sure have a lot of netflix in my queue to watch.'

'that's the spirit. how much ice cream have you gone through?'

'i keep the indian gas stations ben and jerry's supply truck pretty busy, let's just put it that way.'

'at least you're supporting your local businessmen.'

'they hand me tissue now when i pay.'

'that's almost funny.'

'it kind of is, especially since it's true.'

'what else is new?'

'i wore a tie to work friday.'

'ok. umm, i don't really know what question to ask after that statement.'

'how about, "why did you wear a tie to work, angela". '

'why did you wear a tie to work?'

'you forgot the angela. i wore a tie because i bought it the day before at the goodwill store for a dollar thirty. then, i went home and layed out a nice dress shirt, a vest and my tie over the top of it. i was very proud of actually planning out my outfit the night before so i didn't walk into work like a thoughtless cad.'

'like you usually do?'

'yes.'

'so?'

'so i walked into work and all the guys fell over.'

'is that right?'

'yes. i guess ties on girls are attractive. so, in light of all the attention i won't be wearing a tie to work again.'

'was it that bad?'

'yeah. it really was. i'd rather be an unnoticed slob.'

'i don't know, i think that look is creative and fun. you should go with it. and since when have you ever shyed away from attention?'

'i don't like guys attention when it comes from old married men that leer.'

'yes you do.'

'ok fine. yes i do.'

'when is your friend from michigan coming?'

'wow, that was a quick subject change. it was like what i do.'

'yeah. confusing isn't it?'

'yes. umm, my friend arrives thursday. we are going to have a midwestern good time.'

'does that involve cow tipping?'

'are there cows in connecticut?'

'a few. how long have you lived here?'

'apparently just long enough to date almost all the eligible but not ready lesbians but just short of long enough to see a cow.'

'well, have fun with your friend. i can't wait to hear about it next time.

'thanks therapist.'

'hang in there, she's around the corner.'

'sure.'

'when i was young, peter and i would fish a lot. the little sunfish would always swallow the hook.'

'that's frustrating.'

'our thoughts exactly. after daintily removing the hooks from their throats with needle-nose pliers 200 times in the 90 degree heat, we got tired of being so patient.'

'so?'

'we let the line out of the rod and then swung the fish around our heads, hitting them against the 6 foot high seawall repeatedly until there was nothing left of the fish except the little piece of throat still clinging to the hook it swallowed.'

'that's fairly disgusting.'

'you know, now that i look back i'd have to agree with you. at the time, we thought we were geniuses. and the cats liked us a lot.'

'ok. what does this story have to do with you being patient?'

'i was illustrating how i used to be really impatient. and now, i'm not impatient.'

'you were 10. 10-year olds are impatient. i know that may come as a suprise to you. but it's true.'

'so what are you trying to say, i haven't really learned patience through the years, i just grew up?'

'yes.'

'i know some grown ups who don't have any patience.'

'i'm sure you do. starting with the one in the mirror.'

'you're funny.'

'i'm right. so this girl you're dating thinks you have patience. why do you think that is?'

'because i'm taking it slow.'

'really slow?'

'well, i don't know about really slow. but slow for me.'

'ah, good. so you finally learned from your past 25 failed relationships where you practically ran blindly into whoevers arms you found appealing only to find they stepped aside at the last moment and let you take a dive off the cliff?'

'yeah. that's about right.'

'great. i'm glad to hear that. how's it feel?'

'it feels painful somedays. easy others.'

'painful like you're a fish getting repeatedly slammed up against a seawall or painful like you're a fish getting the hook you swallowed gingerly removed with needlenose pliers?'

'uhh.' Look over at Satan. Satan squints hard, shrugs.

Look back at therapist, say; 'the later.'

'i'm proud of you. i'm so proud that i'm writing this in my notes.'

'hey, do i ever get a copy of those notes?'

'no.'

'but why not?'

'because they're my notes.'

'but they're about me.'

'but i'm writing them.'

'but you wouldn't have anything to write if i weren't here.'

'but...' Therapist swings seat around, points to diplomas on wall, says; 'all my doctorates and degrees on the wall say i'm smarter than you. so what i say goes.'

'but that's not fair.'

'neither is being smashed up against a seawall until all that's left of you is a small piece of throat.'

'so what football team are you rooting for this season?'

'that's what i thought.

'apparently, i only date good looking people.'

'do you think that's true?'

'of course i do. i wouldn't date someone if i didn't find them attractive. i mean, who would do that?'

'some people don't care about looks.'

'good, then that leaves the more attractive people for me.'

'does it bother you that people think you only date good looking people?'

'no. but it does make me wonder.'

'wonder what?'

'wonder if i'd date an unattractive person. i mean, i kind of did when i moved out here. remember the spanish girl?'

'the one that wore open toed heels with stockings with a seam and smelled like ear wax?'

'yeah her. she wasn't that good looking. she didn't even have a good personality. what a waste of time that was.'

Look over at Satan. Satan feigns vomiting.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i guess i've just always gone after someone i'm attracted to first, then gotten to know them second.'

'do you think there's anything wrong with that?'

'no.'

'well, ok then i guess there's no problem.'

'there isn't a problem with me, i just don't want to be known as shallow.'

'you just said you only date good looking people.'

'right.'

'that's shallow.'

'no it's not. i just date people that most other people find as attractive as i do.'

'the girl you're dating now, is she good looking?'

'that's not fair. i didn't know she was hot before i met her.'

'where'd you meet her...a mask convention?'

'haha. i met her online and she had all her photos smeared out so you couldn't tell what she looked like.'

'why'd she smear out all her photos?'

'some hippie bullshit about substance meaning more than looks.'

Look over at Satan. Satan rolls eyes.

Look back at therapist, say; 'i figured i might as well meet her.'

'i'm suprised she actually wanted to meet you.'

'what's that supposed to mean?'

'it means i've read your online dating profile and you come across as an asshole.'

'hippies like assholes. it gives them something to work on changing.'

'how's that going?'

'well, i ate beefless beef the other night. i liked it so much i went out and bought 4 packs of it.'

'i like beefless beef. i put it in fajitas.'

'so, you're like a hippie jew? that seems odd.'

'i guess hippies come in all shapes, sizes and religious backgrounds.'

'you shave?'

'i bet you'd like to know that but you're not going to.'

'gross. you don't shave.'

'angela?'

'it's ok, i don't shave sometimes either. usually when i don't want anyone to find me attractive but that's just me.'

'angela...it looks like our time is up.'

'oh ok. so i'll see you next week, furkenstein.'

'that wasn't even close to funny.'

'yes it was.'

'i can't believe you get dates.'

'i know! isn't it great?!'

'no. good luck.'

Smile.